


All I Want is to Deserve You

by FanaticeIllabantur



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon verse, Gore, M/M, Mild Gore, Slow Burn, eruri - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-04 20:01:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12175653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanaticeIllabantur/pseuds/FanaticeIllabantur
Summary: Levi is in love with Erwin, but he does not want the burden, not when he does not deserve him.





	1. For the First Time

> “Now, I’m not going to deny that I was aware of your beauty. But the point is, this has nothing to do with your beauty. As I got to know you, I began to realise that beauty was the least of your qualities. I became fascinated by your goodness. I was drawn in by it. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. And it was only when I began to feel actual, physical pain every time you left the room that it finally dawned on me: I was in love, for the first time in my life. I knew it was hopeless, but that didn’t matter to me. And it’s not that I want to have you. All I want is to deserve you. Tell me what to do. Show me how to behave. I’ll do anything you say.”  
> ― Pierre-Ambroise Choderlos de Laclos,  _Les Liaisons Dangereuses_
> 
>  

Levi was in love with Erwin Smith. He had realised it a long time ago, only a few months having passed between when they had met and where they were now. It hadn’t been any sort of slow falling in love, it hadn’t been anything calm or leisurely or easy; it had happened fast, and Levi had realised he had fallen in love with the man as suddenly as someone might realise they had slipped off a cliff.

He had come to realise that the reason he felt so warm when Erwin smiled at something he had said was because he was in love with him. He had come to realise that the reason his knees went weak when Erwin was without a shirt was because he was in love with him. He had come to realise that the reason he felt safe only when Erwin was in the room was because he was in love with him. Everything about Erwin made him feel calm because he was in love with him, with every part of him.

For the first time in his life, Levi had felt love, he had felt what it meant to be in love. It was strange, and Levi didn’t know exactly how to deal with it, but, really, who did? It had grown into this enormous thing that Levi was harbouring and now he knew he was in love with Erwin and he did not know what to do with that.

The two were in a carriage towards the Capital, and Levi was trying his hardest to not stare at Erwin as the sunlight soaked into his skin, making his olive tone glow. Erwin was watching out of the window, his eyes serene, breathing relaxed. He was always in that part of the storm that was the calm before it. He never seemed to reach the actual storm part, and it gave him this energy that Levi thrived on. Maybe that was just because it was Erwin, Levi didn’t know. Erwin confused him, and Levi wasn’t about to try and make any sense out of it.

Levi was only accompanying Erwin to keep him company. Whilst Erwin was the Commander, he didn’t like this side of it; the meetings, the pretending to be someone who cared about these rich people with their control over what happened to everyone else. But it was a necessity. And Levi was his sort of comfort blanket, which Levi was more than happy to be. Whatever Erwin needed, Levi would try his best to provide it.

Levi wasn’t actually allowed in the meeting itself, and he spent his time whiling away the slow hours by watching out of the window within the extravagant building this particular meeting was being held. Being set on the top floor meant he had a view of the city that he had never really seen before; he could see for miles, the little people milling about, the markets full of goods Levi could only ever imagine eating, the life existing that Levi had never gotten the chance to live.

It had been a dream for so long, a taste of freedom that Levi could have only wished for. When he was younger, he had snuck away into the markets, not the expensive ones of these people, but smaller, cheaper, probably less legal ones. He had stolen something from one of the tables during one adventure, though he couldn’t remember what it was now, and he had been chased through the streets by the owner until he had escaped. He had run into the streets of somewhere more expensive, and the idea of being able to walk freely had called to his heart so prominently, he had never been able to forget it.

Seeing them now, Levi realised he did not wish to walk freely among these streets. He did not belong there, and that was okay. It was okay to belong somewhere else. He would be pretending if he walked there now, browsing and buying as he pleased. What pleasure did these people get out of it really? Where was the thrill of the legality issues? Where was the thrill of stealing? Levi didn’t know how these people functioned, and so he did not pretend to know.

The hours ticked by and he waited, always happy to wait for Erwin. People who walked by did not bother with him, and he was happy for he did not care to be bothered. These were a different breed of people, and Levi didn’t always know how to navigate them. Erwin was a master of mixing through the circles, but Levi wasn’t, and he doubted he ever would be.

Eventually, Erwin and the others were released from their prison of conversing, and they were free to leave. Some may have thought it a pointless journey for Levi, but any time that he was allowed to spend with Erwin was a blessing. Even if they weren’t talking, Levi was happy. Their silences were wonderful, and Levi liked being able to be silent. He didn’t like having to talk all the time, and Erwin never forced him to.

“Shall we go for a walk?” Erwin asked, rubbing his eyes for a moment before looking to Levi.

Levi never asked what their meetings were about. If Erwin wanted to tell him, he would, and if he didn’t, then he wouldn’t. Levi didn’t mind either way, he just liked being in his company.

Levi nodded, and they left the building, the sun hitting them like a wall. Levi still had yet to get used to actually being able to see the sun. It could be decades later and Levi would still never get used to it. How people could take that for granted, Levi would never know.

“I’m sorry if you didn’t have anything to do,” Erwin said as they walked through the streets.

“It’s fine. There was a kid trying to steal an apple from one of the stalls that was entertaining enough.”

“Did they succeed?”

“No,” Levi said. “But they came pretty close. They went through an alley that was too long and they caught them at the other end. I don’t know what the punishment here is for stealing.”

“It’s probably the same for murder over here.”

“Mm,” Levi hummed.

They walked further, Erwin mentioning that their driver was taking a break in some tavern, and Levi didn’t mind. Without the constraints of their Headquarters, Erwin was freer, and Levi liked spending time with Erwin like this. It was a better atmosphere, and Levi preferred it, without the stress of everything that hung around them when they were working.

“We talked about you in the meeting,” Erwin mentioned when they reached a bridge, stopping to look at the river.

“Why?” Levi asked, looking at Erwin, and his heart skipping.

“They wanted to know the comparison of the highest kill counts to the lowest.”

“It’s not fair to compare the others to me,” Levi said, and not arrogantly. “I’ve had much more time to practise than they have. And some of them don’t kill for a while anyway.”

“I know, but we can’t tell them that. They want results. And you give results.”

“Mm,” Levi hummed, not really caring to talk about it anymore. He looked around, off the bridge towards the city to watch the people going about, idle, their worries minimal compared to these two standing on the bridge and talking.

To the right of them, Levi just caught the sight of two men dipping rather suddenly out of view. Levi furrowed his brow, waiting for them to emerge, but they didn’t. Still with them in mind, he looked the other way and saw another man duck behind a house, and Levi suddenly felt very revealed where he and Erwin were standing.

“Do you feel like we’re being watched?”

Erwin looked at him with a crease in his brow. “Do you?”

“Yes,” Levi said, talking quietly though it was unlikely the people watching them would be able to hear their conversation.

“What do we do about that?” Erwin asked, looking around discreetly and trying to spot the people Levi was talking about.

“We stay in populated areas and we walk through as if we haven’t noticed them,” Levi explained, having dealt with this a thousand times before.

“And what if they notice that we’ve noticed them?”

“They’ll probably shoot.”

“You think they’re here to shoot us?”

“Always think worst case. Always.”

“Here?” Erwin asked as Levi started walking, Erwin joining him and letting him lead.

Levi didn’t bother to explain why he knew this area as well as he did, but he did tell Erwin that it was very likely the people here would have weaponry to kill them. He didn’t know why they might want to kill them, but he wasn’t about to take any chances, particularly with Erwin by his side.

They carried on walking, Levi keeping an eye out and spotting a few more people here and there who were watching them. To an untrained eye, they would be invisible, but not to Levi. Levi could spot them easily, he could see them even when they were hidden in the shadows. Levi’s eyes were trained as, once or twice, he had been those people in the shadows, though he was not proud of that fact.

Everything was calm for a moment. Levi didn’t know what was coming or what might arrive, but it was calm. Levi didn’t expect much and nothing really came.

But then there was a gunshot, and suddenly people were screaming and running. Levi froze, figuring out both where it had come from and where it had hit. He couldn’t see where it had landed, but it had come from a window up towards the right, and Levi looked at it, seeing the barrel of a gun pointing out. He hadn’t seen it before, and he cursed, but now he had seen it, he knew what to do.

“Follow me,” Levi said, quickly, directly, quietly. He started off, running with Erwin following behind.

Gunshots followed like rain, and Levi was sure some civilians were shot, but he couldn’t look after them. He hoped they reached safety, but if he stopped, Erwin might get shot, and Levi would not allow that. He would push anyone else into the line of fire if it meant Erwin could get by, safely. No one’s life was equal to Erwin’s, not in Levi’s heart.

Levi knew these streets, though it had been some time since he had walked, or rather, _ran_  through them. But he remembered them, he remembered the best spots to hide in, the best spots to run down, the best spots to not get shot in. But these people were precise, and they seemed to know these streets as well. And that was dangerous when he was trying to keep Erwin alive, when he was trying to keep the Commander breathing, not bleeding.

People watched them as they surged through the streets, trying to stay alive. Sometimes Levi wondered why his life was this way; why did he have to run from certain death through the city? Why did he kill titans for a living? Why was he in love with a man that got him into situations like these? Sure, he might not necessarily want it any other way, but maybe the risk of death could go. That might make things a little nicer.

They kept up their pace as they rounded corner after corner, trying to escape by throwing them off their scent. There was an alley they could go down, one they could hide in for a moment as long as it wasn’t blocked off. He hoped it was free because trying to constantly run around when Erwin was in so much danger was draining him.

Their pursuit got faster, and so Levi and Erwin sped up until Levi led them down his favoured alley, just far enough in that they would not be spotted. But it was narrow, and Levi found their chests colliding, tight where they could not move to breathe. But this would be safe. Unless they were seen, but that really wasn’t an option Levi was allowing to exist.

Levi could feel Erwin’s heartbeat where his hand was pressed to his chest. Erwin had one hand braced on the wall, and the other on Levi’s hip; it wasn’t romantic, it wasn’t intimate in any sort of romantic manner, it was for reassurance, both for Levi and for Erwin. Although their lives were very much in danger, Levi couldn’t help being distracted by how close Erwin was. His body was burning hot, and Erwin’s was as well, and they were burning into each other, both because they were so close, and because they could very easily die soon, more shots firing randomly in frustration as they had lost the two of them.

Erwin’s breathing was the only thing Levi could hear, and it was oddly calming. Levi’s free hand was gripping at Erwin’s jacket, tight. Erwin could very well handle himself, but he suspected that Erwin hadn’t dealt with fights like these as Levi had, and he felt a need to protect him, though Erwin was a strong, grown man and he didn’t need protecting.

There was virtually no room for them to move, and their chests pressed against each other as they breathed, Levi’s skin hyperaware of every part Erwin was touching. Levi’s focus should have been on the very real threat to their lives, but he had fallen so deeply in love with Erwin, ignoring his body that was set so close was no easy feat. His blood was running fast, and whilst that could have been the adrenaline from the guns firing around them, he wouldn’t deny that some of it came from being able to feel Erwin’s heart beneath his fingers.

Out of the gap, Levi watched as two people with guns walked past, looking but not seeing them. Even though they were hidden by the shadows, Levi held his breath, as if that would help. Erwin’s still chest meant that he was doing the same, and Levi tried to ignore how firm he felt under his hand, but he was certain he failed.

The two people walked out of their view and Levi released his breath, Erwin doing the same. Trying to ignore how fast his heart was racing, Levi turned his head, awkwardly, and looked at the other end of the narrow alley, remembering his escapes from years gone by.

“We could have gone down there if you were fucking smaller,” Levi said, looking at the light of freedom that felt so far away.

“What’s out that way?” Erwin asked, the vibrations of his voice running through Levi’s body, sending a chill up his spine.

“An easy way out, less open,” Levi explained, trying to not look back at Erwin and into his gorgeous blue eyes.

“Right,” Erwin said, not asking how Levi knew that.

“Where’s the driver?”

“At The Devils’ Inn.”

“Ah, shit,” Levi cursed.

“What?”

“He’s fucking in on it.”

“How can you know that?”

“There’s an exit from Underground just near here. That fucking place only harbours people who have been there, those who get paid by the police to do their dirty work, and anyone who can be paid to smuggle people in and out, though not always for money.” Levi left out that he had often been the subject of said police’s “dirty work”.

“Did you leave through that exit a lot then?” Erwin asked, ignoring how Levi might know all that information.

He looked back to Erwin then, his blue eyes filled with concern, his brow furrowed slightly. Levi’s breath hitched, though he tried to pass it off as anything else, not sure if it worked. The proximity was driving Levi insane, and it took all of the control he had in his system to not reach his hands into Erwin’s blonde locks and press their lips together.

“You don’t leave Underground, Erwin,” Levi said, throat thick. “My case, my friends’ case, that shit doesn’t happen… But when I escaped, that was the easiest one to get out of. I could fit down these alleys back then, but now…”

“Have you really grown that much?” Erwin asked, a slight smirk on his lips that probably didn’t fit the situation, but Levi didn’t care.

“I mean, I’ll risk death to kick your ass right here,” Levi said, staring Erwin down and falling further in love.

Before Erwin could reply, two more people walked by. Levi and Erwin just watched, anxious.

“Why would the driver want us?” Erwin asked.

“I don’t know. Commander of the Survey Corps would be a good notch to the murder belt. And I’m hated down there. What happens to me just doesn’t happen. I can imagine they’d want me dead for getting the freedom that no one else gets.”

“Isn’t death a little drastic?” Erwin asked, and Levi was sure he felt Erwin’s hand tighten on his hip, but he wasn’t certain.

“Underground doesn’t live by the rules up here,” Levi said, mouth dry because Erwin was watching him so intently.

Erwin nodded, and Levi had to swallow, too obsessed with how much Erwin’s lips were parted, and he was desperate to lean up and press his to Erwin’s. He was sure Erwin’s lips were parted to keep his breathing quiet, but Levi couldn’t help but wish it was because Erwin wanted to kiss him. They were watching each other, and Erwin’s pupils were huge, but didn’t pupils dilate in fear or panic? Did they? Levi didn’t know, but he wasn’t about to make any presumptions about Erwin wanting to kiss him when that seemed so unlikely.

Levi’s heart was pounding in his ears. If he reached up just a little, they could be kissing, they were that close. His breath was on Levi’s skin, and Levi tried to restrain the shiver that coursed down his back, but he failed.

Erwin quirked his head at him for a moment, and Levi was only able to see it because they were so close to each other. He could have sworn he saw Erwin leaning in, but he wouldn’t place any bets on that. Just because he wanted it so much didn’t mean it happened, and Levi wasn’t going to make himself believe it did.

Everything else in the world was muted, the rest of existence a blur. All that existed now and all that Levi cared for in this world was Erwin and how close he was and how warm his body was on his. Erwin’s heartbeat was slow, and Levi pressed his hand further into his chest so that he could really feel it, so he could really feel Erwin. He tried not to make it obvious, but he could have sworn Erwin’s breathing changed, not that Levi could see it, more that he could feel it.

Levi so wanted to kiss him. He wanted Erwin to enfold him in his arms and make him his in every way possible. He wanted Erwin and only Erwin.

It was just a shame he couldn’t have him.

“We should go now,” Levi said, heart still in his mouth. “We could probably make it to the next district if we stay in public areas.”

“Okay,” Erwin said, and he let Levi manoeuvre out of the alley first before coming out as well.

There wasn’t anyone in the street, so Levi just started walking, Erwin following. Shaking it out of his head, Levi led them on, keeping them in public areas where they might be hidden. Of course, they were quite the iconic pair, and both of them were well known by the public, and keeping themselves unseen wasn’t always easy.

They had walked into a densely populated street where they wouldn’t be able to be shot unless they shot through four or five rows of people first. But it wasn’t enough. They weren’t safe until they were, and that might be a moment or two longer.

“I can see some of them,” Erwin whispered, his head above most people’s.

“Where?” Levi asked, hating his height but also loving it because, whilst he could not see them, he was a difficult target.

“Ahead and to the left. They’re looking in the wrong direction right now, but they could spot us any time soon.”

“Okay.” Instinctively, Levi grabbed Erwin’s hand, ignoring how well they fit together. Erwin’s hand almost fully encompassed Levi’s much smaller one, and he led him, knowing how much easier it would be than trying to talk.

Levi knew these streets well, but he had known them when he was much smaller, and things seemed different after he had grown, not just bigger, but different. The streets were the same, and yet they had changed. Age changed things, and Levi wondered if it was always for the better.

He knew which alleys and streets were the ones to go down, hoping they would both fit. Thankfully, they did, but that did not mean they moved as quickly as he would have liked. Levi would have been much quicker alone, but he didn’t mind going a bit slower as long as it meant that Erwin was alive and well. Erwin’s safety was his priority now.

But then they had to run, and fast. The pursuers had spotted them again, and Levi tightened his grip on Erwin’s hand and pulled him on, pushing past people and not apologising. Some of them looked angry, but they were petty, rich people who lived happily, and Levi did not care about them.

It was a bit of blur as they ran and escaped, Erwin’s hand tight on his so that they were never parted. Levi let his legs trace the steps, his mind wandering far to keep them both safe. They ran further and further until they got to the next district, their legs tired but minds willing them on until they were safe. Even in the next district, they were not safe, but if their pursuers were paid to do a certain job, they wouldn’t exceed their duty. They wouldn’t care enough. Money or whatever they were getting paid was incentive, but their own lives as a part of the risk, that wasn’t.

When they crossed the border, the two let go of each other’s hands and collapsed where they would not be shot at, hidden by a collection of trees. Chests heaving, they tried to comprehend exactly what was happening or what had just happened as the local people looked at them warily. Levi didn’t care to think about it; most in Underground were simple people that didn’t want that much really. Levi knew this would likely be the end of it. He was just relieved that Erwin was safe and alive, that was all he cared about.

He looked at Erwin and his heart lurched towards him. There was sweat on his forehead and his chest was rising and falling heavily, hair out of place, and shirt half tucked in. Levi fell in love with him all over again. Even dishevelled, he was beautiful.

The urge to kiss him was ultimately too strong, so he sat up and looked away, Erwin’s enchantments breaking when his eyes left him. He didn’t want to be here anymore. He didn’t want to be in danger anymore, and he was the most thankful he had been in a long time when Erwin bought two horses they could ride on back to Headquarters.

It was a long and slow ride, and the two did not talk much, both merely milling over exactly what had gone on, confusing for Erwin, tiring for Levi. No matter how often he wanted to get rid of these connections to Underground, they were always there. Maybe he shouldn’t want to get rid of his past so avidly, but he did. How could anyone ever love him if he was connected to those that would kill for money? Almost as if the same price had not been given to Levi as a ticket for his way out. He should not judge those who made the same decision as he once had, but that did not stop him from wishing he hadn’t done the same thing once upon a time.

There were tiresome meetings afterwards, Levi and Erwin had to give statements, recalling what had happened. They had no faces to go off of, but Levi didn’t care. If Erwin had died, Levi would be vengeful and he would have wanted them strung up and killed. But since they had come out of it alive, Levi had no cares about them and their fates. Their military systems did, but Levi couldn’t give less of a shit and, when it was done, he was more than pleased.

Erwin still had things to finish during a long and boring meeting, but Levi was released and he went to their minute and ridiculously sized library. He had forced himself to learn to read when in Underground, wanting to appear literate and intelligent, though he felt very much the opposite amongst these people, amongst most above ground. So, when he had heard there was a library in HQ, he had been excited to keep up his practice. And then he had seen it, and it was underwhelming. And the only other person who used it was Hanji, which meant it wasn’t always the nicest smelling place in the building.

They were in there now, not doing much but shoving their nose in a book and reading rapidly, page after page being turned. They didn’t even look up when Levi came into the room and sat in one of the chairs, haphazardly. Usually, he kept himself upright and composed, but he didn’t care to do that when exhausted and in such a private room. Hanji wouldn’t judge. Hanji probably didn’t even know he was in the room. He sprawled his legs over the side of the chair and let his head lean back, taking a deep breath and wanting to just sleep.

But he couldn’t. His mind was buzzing and his insomnia would never let him rest so easy. It never did.

“Hanji,” Levi said after perhaps an hour or so just waiting there, his mind running.

Hanji looked up from their book, noticing Levi for the first time. “What?”

Levi cleared his throat, awkwardly, Hanji furrowing their brow but waiting. “Why does no one in the Corps have any sort of partner?”

“What kind of partner?”

“Romantic.”

“Some do.”

“Not nearly enough like the rest of the population inside the Walls.”

“Well, we don’t live like them, Levi,” Hanji said, tucking their legs up beneath them like a child. “And we’re all going to die a lot sooner than those in the Walls, so a lot of us don’t bother because it’d be a lot of pain. I know Erwin thinks that-.”

“He does?”

Hanji looked at Levi strangely for a moment, and Levi worried he had revealed himself. He just cleared his throat and waited.

“Yeah,” Hanji said, slowly. “He does. Why are you so curious?”

“I just thought it was weird…” Levi lied. “No reason.”

“Okay…” Hanji continued staring for a good while longer. Then they closed their book and put it on the table beside them, and looked at Levi deeper. Levi did not like to be studied, and so he looked the other way and closed his eyes.

“You’re looking for a partner?” Hanji asked, though it didn’t seem to be all that much of a question.

“I never said that,” Levi deterred, eyes still closed, wishing the conversation wasn’t going down the route that it was.

“If you are… The Commander might, you know-.”

“Hanji, I would like to stop you before you say anything more, please and thank you.”

“Now I know something’s going on. You never say, ‘thank you’. If you want to be with Erwin, you know, I think you two might make an interesting couple-.”

“I’m going to stop you right there and ask where exactly in this conversation did I say anything about wanting to be with Erwin?”

“I can read you, Levi. Erwin might very well be interested in you-.”

“For someone who’s meant to be quite smart, you’re not very good at shutting up.”

“Uh oh, now he’s defensive.”

Levi glared at them for a moment before standing up and straightening out his clothes. He nodded his goodbye and left the room, not wanting to reveal himself to Hanji in case they mentioned anything to Erwin. That would be a conversation with him that he just did not need to have.

On his way back to his quarters, Levi passed by Erwin’s office and looked in. Of course, he was already back to work, writing and reading, oblivious. Levi watched him for a few moments, the evening light casting shadows across his face, making his skin glow where the deep sun touched him. As he thought about what he was writing, he chewed at his bottom lip, and Levi’s stomach just about soared out of his body.

Before Erwin looked up and caught Levi watching him through the open door, Levi stalked off towards his bed, ready to sleep and forget the day. It had certainly been taxing and, considering how much Erwin was affecting him, he knew it was only going to get worse. This thing he was harbouring for Erwin was getting stronger, and Levi wasn’t sure what to do with that information. So, that night, he spent the hours tossing and turning, hoping that he would get over this thing and move on, though that was as about as far from what was going to happen as it could get.


	2. Hopeless

The next week passed slowly and training was tedious. Levi used it so that he didn’t have to think about anything else. But Erwin was there, and so he could never not think about anything else. When Erwin was anywhere near him, his mind could not sit still and, usually that was infuriating, but Levi could never find Erwin or anything to do with him infuriating. He was in love with him, and that included all of him.

After another boring bout of training, Levi and Erwin left the grounds together, leaving the rest of them behind. If only they could do that in actuality and the two of them could be alone forever, Levi would be quite thankful.

“A hot shower right now would be wonderful,” Erwin said, wiping sweat from his forehead once they made their way to the bathrooms. He had his own in his office beside his bedroom, but he always went to the Captains’ after training, and Levi wasn’t sure why. But he didn’t question it because it meant that they could spend time together and, sometimes, that was all that he wished for.

“If only they gave us more hot water,” Levi said, trying not to look at Erwin as he opened his shirt to cool his body down, sweat gleaming from his haired chest.

“Well, maybe a massage from someone pretty would do as well,” Erwin said, rubbing his eyes slowly, Levi opening the door for them both to enter, trying his hardest not to watch Erwin’s ass as he walked in front of him. It was so perfect, however, that Levi failed every time he tried; it was hopeless to resist.

“Someone pretty,” Levi repeated, a small smile on his lips, though there was some jealousy there. The thought of someone else touching Erwin made his blood boil, though he knew it had no right to. To cool his cheeks, he went to the sink and started splashing his face with cold water, running his wet hands over his hot face.

“Perhaps even someone to return to every night, that would probably be the most beneficial,” Erwin said, stretching his neck.

“As if you would date anyone,” Levi jested, trying not to sound bitter, trying to pass it off as a joke.

“What do you mean?” Erwin asked, still with a smile, Levi glancing at him before running water over his face again.

“Just, you know, that you don’t date or that you wouldn’t.” Levi was playing it off as though he hadn’t been running the conversation he had had with Hanji in his head over and over again. Washing water over his face wasn’t helping him try to play it cool, so he grabbed a towel to wipe away the water, hiding his face there for a few seconds instead.

“What?”

“That’s what Hanji said,” Levi replied, and he could feel his face starting to burn again, but he wasn’t going to go back to run water over it, that would be far too suspicious.

“Did you ask?” Erwin asked, his voice having gone quiet, thoughtful almost.

“What? No. It just came up.”

Erwin furrowed his brow at him, and Levi’s cheeks were on fire. His Freudian slip would destroy him if he was not careful and did not recover himself.

He could not figure out a way to recover, however.

“So, I’ll, uh, I’ll see you later,” Levi practically sputtered and didn’t look at Erwin as he went to leave, deciding he could shower elsewhere.

“ _Did_ you ask?” Erwin asked and Levi stopped.

Taking a deep breath, he just looked at Erwin and shook his head, though lying to Erwin was not something Levi could ever do. Erwin just watched him as Levi swallowed and then turned away again.

Levi shook his head of the conversation as he shut the door behind him, trying to get Erwin out of his head, though that was an impossible, hopeless feat. Erwin was always there. Always.

And then Erwin was there in person, and Levi found that he could not get rid of him, not that he particularly wanted to. It was more that, after he had had such revealing conversations with Erwin, he found that distance might be better. Any sort of rejection Erwin might place in front of him would beat him down, and Levi didn’t need to be beaten down any further than he already was.

But Erwin had decided that, wherever Levi was to be, so he would be. It wasn’t necessarily incessant, and Levi rather enjoyed seeing Erwin as often as he currently was. He liked being able to talk to him whenever he wanted, he liked being able to watch him, he liked joking with him. If he ever thought Erwin’s gaze lingered, he shook it out of his head. It was wishful thinking. It would forever be wishful thinking, Levi knew that.

The meeting he and the other Captains had been called to was monotonous, as ever, but Erwin was talking, and Levi could listen to Erwin talk forever. His voice was beautiful; deep, dulcet, warm. It made Levi comfortable and tranquil. It was one of the only things in the world that could make Levi feel serene.

When it was over, Erwin asked him to remain for a second, and Levi did, though nerves started pulsing through him at an enormous speed. There were a thousand things it could regard, but one’s mind always went to the worst things, and that wasn’t about to stop any time soon.

Erwin stood from his desk and came to perch on the other side, nothing blocking them. It made Levi feel more revealed, so Levi crossed his arms, not liking being so open. It was not a position he liked to be in.

“We haven’t had a moment alone in a little while,” Erwin began.

It caught Levi off-guard. “Okay?”

“I wanted to talk to you, about out last encounter.”

Levi chewed his lip for a moment, and said nothing. He swallowed. Waiting was the worst game Levi ever had to play.

“I spoke to Hanji-.”

“Fuck,” Levi cursed, as under his breath as he could being the only other person in the room.

“Is something wrong?”

“I know what Hanji thought was going on,” Levi began, breathing deep. “But I never insinuated anything.”

Erwin paused. “Are you looking for a partner?”

Taken aback, Levi didn’t quite know what to say. But, after composing himself, he asked, “Who’s offering?”

“Who would you like to offer?” Erwin asked, slow.

There was a long pause between them, neither speaking, both watching. Levi didn’t know what to say, and he didn’t know what Erwin wanted him to say. What was he meant to say to that?

“I don’t know,” Levi said, quiet. He took another deep breath. “I think I’d like to go now, Erwin.”

“Why?”

“Is this really a conversation I should be having with the Commander?”

Erwin laughed through his nose. “I don’t think you’ve ever thought of me as the Commander.”

Levi shrugged. “I’d still like to go.”

Levi didn’t wait to be told if he could, and he turned to leave, his heart in his head. It was so loud that he did not hear Erwin get up and cross the room.

Erwin grabbed Levi’s wrist and it sparked, Levi’s stomach flipping.

“Levi,” Erwin said, and Levi’s breath got caught in his throat. “Tell me the truth.”

“I’m not lying about anything,” Levi said, but the proximity to Erwin was clouding his judgement and he wasn’t sure what they were talking about anymore.

“But you’re not telling the truth either.”

Levi swallowed, struggling to breath. The fingers around his wrist loosened, but only to hold more of Levi’s wrist. One of Erwin’s fingers was gently stroking across Levi’s skin, and it was driving him damn near insane. Breath hitching, Levi just waited.

“Levi.” Erwin’s voice was like silk to his ears, and he felt like he was melting.

“What?”

“Talk to me.”

Levi didn’t quite know what to say.

His heartbeat was loud, as loud as Erwin’s breathing. Everything else in the world disappeared, and all he cared about was Erwin; Erwin’s body, Erwin’s voice, Erwin’s breathing. Just Erwin.

Unable to stop himself, Levi reached a hand up to Erwin’s cheek, and he brushed his fingers across his skin, feeling Erwin shiver underneath his touch. Levi was watching Erwin’s lips, which had been freshly wettened, and he so wanted him then, his body desperate for him.

But he was not meant to have him, and he went to withdraw his hand, but Erwin moved his free hand to catch Levi’s and keep him there. Instinctively, Levi let his fingers wrap around Erwin’s hand, and he knew he should have just pulled away, but he couldn’t. He physically couldn’t.

“Please, don’t,” Levi managed to say, but it was weak, and there was no conviction in his tone.

“Why?” Erwin asked, not letting his hands release him.

“Just… Just… I can’t.”

“Can’t what?”

These was a long pause, Levi unable to speak, and Erwin let go of the hand that had still been holding his wrist to wrap slowly around Levi’s waist. He met no objection, though Levi felt he should have said something. Their bodies began to press together and Levi could feel the heat of his body fully on his own, and it clouded his judgement further.

“Erwin,” Levi said, though it came out as a whisper, as something intimate and loving. It came out as though Levi wanted him and, whilst he did, he couldn’t have him. This was not how they were meant to act, this was not what they were destined to do. Levi wanted him with every ounce of his being, but Levi wouldn’t allow himself the luxury. He didn’t deserve him.

And yet he still let both of his hands slide up Erwin’s chest and sit where they could fiddle with Erwin’s lapels. He should have pulled away, but he didn’t really want to. Instead, what he really wanted was just Erwin. It didn’t have to be a kiss, it didn’t have to be anything, it just had to be Erwin.

“I can’t, Erwin,” Levi said, but it was the weakest protest he had ever committed, and he wouldn’t have stopped if he was in Erwin’s position instead.

“Tell me why,” Erwin pleaded, and he watched Levi. He did not let go of him, but he did not tighten his grip either. He paused. And Levi fell even further in love than he knew was possible.

“It’s not something I can explain.” It was. But Erwin wouldn’t let it lie, and Levi just wanted something easy for once. “You’ve said you wouldn’t be with anyone because you didn’t know when you were going to die, so why change that?”

“I didn’t think I’d fall in love, Levi.”

Levi’s breathing hitched. It was exactly what he wanted to hear and not as well. He had wanted Erwin to admit that he loved him back, even though Levi had yet to say the words, but it meant things would spiral. And Levi needed control. They might love each other, but Erwin deserved someone much better than Levi.

“Erwin, I can’t do that. I can’t just… Fuck.” Levi closed his eyes and tried to pretend that his body wasn’t being held by the one body he loved more than anything else.

“All I want is you, Levi,” Erwin said, as simple as if that was as easy as it could be.

“You already have me,” Levi said, opening his eyes and looking at Erwin with a gaze as naked as he could make it. “I belong to you, Erwin. My fucking… My fucking heart is already yours, Erwin. I… Fuck, I fucking adore you, Erwin Smith. Fuck…”

“So, why…?” Erwin furrowed his brow. “Why are you not letting this happen?”

Levi felt his eyes beginning to sting. So, to stop Erwin from pitying him, he buried his face in Erwin’s neck and wrapped his arms around him. Erwin froze for a second, but then he wrapped his arms around Levi, pulling their bodies together. Levi’s breath was caught in his throat and he felt the warmth of tears run down his cheeks and into Erwin’s jacket, but he didn’t care. He just wanted this over with.

“I don’t understand, Levi.”

Levi tried not to sob, but he did.

“Levi,” Erwin soothed. “Tell me what’s going on.”

“I can’t let this happen,” Levi said. “I fucking can’t.”

“Why?”

“I don’t deserve you, Erwin.”

“Levi-.”

“I don’t. You deserve someone much better than me.”

“Levi-.”

“Please,” Levi begged and he pushed himself away from Erwin. Erwin didn’t want to let him go, but he was so caring of Levi, he did.

“Levi, don’t run away. Can we just talk about this?”

“We’ve talked.”

“No, we haven’t,” Erwin said, but Levi wasn’t in the mood anymore. He couldn’t bear to look at Erwin, his heart was shattering into pieces, and it was too much for his already broken heart to handle.

He turned away, and there was a part of him that wanted Erwin to grab him again, but Erwin didn’t. Instead, Erwin just waited as Levi left, his heart in unmatchable pieces.

He couldn’t bear to see Erwin again for weeks. They went on missions together, but Levi absolutely refused to be alone with him. In planning sessions, he kept himself distant, in meetings, he would stare out of the window and avoid all contact, even if they were walking down the same hall, Levi refused to acknowledge his presence. It might have been painful for his heart and soul, but he deserved the pain.

But then they were on a mission during the cold season and things were getting rough, and Levi’s focus was slipping from the cause to the man he loved. Missions were already long and tiring, and it forced them to spend time together, but neither had the energy to talk about what had happened. Levi was thankful for that, because he had no energy to tell Erwin about loving him but not being able to be with him. It was as confusing to him as it was to anyone else, but it was not something he could very well dispute.

There had been an abnormal running towards them that had split their group apart, and Levi found himself with Erwin and a few of the other recruits. Thankfully, during missions, the objective was at the forefront of his mind, and so Levi was trying to think about Erwin as only the one who made the decisions, but it wasn’t always the easiest thing to do, not when danger surrounded them.

“I’ll get it,” Levi said, dismounting his horse and soaring through the air until he had sliced the titan to death, landing neatly.

Another one was coming their way that he saw Erwin go for, dismounting his horse which then ran away, but the recruits hadn’t listened and they had tried to go for it as well. Levi did not watch as they were crushed and eaten. Erwin visibly cursed and Levi watched before he realised that his horse had gone missing as well. They were new ones, and they seemed to scare a lot easier, and that was not what they needed.

Looking around, Levi realised there was no one else around. There were some horses running away from them, but he could see none of the riders. The death count would be high.

“Where do we go?” Levi asked when he had reached Erwin, soaring towards him using the gear.

“Follow where the horses have gone,” Erwin said, the titan that had eaten their fellow soldiers going away, looking for the riders that had lost their horses in another direction. “We will just have to be careful.”

“Okay.” Levi followed Erwin as they started to walk.

Following the horses did not work out. They got lost. Very lost. In fact, Levi recognised nothing around them. This was dangerous territory to be in, and they had little rations, they had no horses, and they had no idea where they were. It was fucking disastrous.

The land around them was barren bar a few trees. As it was so cold, the titans seemed slower, so that was some sort of benefit but that didn’t mean that, if they did see one, they would be safe. Since being split up from everyone else, they hadn’t seen one, and Levi was hoping that streak would continue. It started to get even colder, and Levi wasn’t sure he would have the energy to fight any titan that came across their path.

Then it started snowing, and Levi cursed. The situation could only be made worse, and this was clearly the way to do that. How the fuck were they supposed to do this? Levi was sure they were going to die. His life was over, and what had he made of it?

“Where the fuck do we go?” Levi asked, his teeth had started chattering and every part of his body began to freeze as the snow startled settling on the frozen grass around them.

“I’m not sure,” Erwin said, looking around. He seemed to spot something Levi couldn’t see, so Levi just waited, pretending he wasn’t shivering. “There’s something over there.”

“What kind of something?” Levi asked.

“I don’t know, hopefully something we can use.”

Erwin started walking, and Levi followed. The only problem with being so small was that, when the snow started settling, and it settled early, he couldn’t walk very well, and he started to drag behind. The snow was heavy, a wall of white around them, and Erwin seemed to know where he was going but Levi didn’t know how he could know for sure.

“Erwin,” Levi said, teeth chattering and body convulsing.

He did not hear him and Erwin’s lead continued.

“Erwin,” Levi repeated, but it was too quiet. “Erwin, please.”

Erwin got further and further away, and Levi tried to move on, but his legs started freezing, as did his hands and his face and his entire body, and moving just wasn’t working. He tried to say some more, but his tongue wasn’t working either, and his jaw was chattering too much for any sounds to come out.

Erwin was blocked by the wall of white, and Levi knew his death was coming. He would likely be lost in all this snow, and it was heart-breaking. He didn’t mind death, but losing Erwin like that, that was not what he wanted. Dying was easy compared to not being able to see Erwin again. They had not spoken properly in weeks, and the last time he had told Erwin the truth, he had run out of the room crying like a child. If he could just see him one last time, just see his smile once more, maybe death wouldn’t be so hard.

But he blacked out before he could even think about his warm smile again.

There were glimpses of the next few hours that Levi wouldn’t likely remember when he awoke properly. He caught flashes of Erwin picking him up, bouncing against his chest as Erwin ran through the snow for him, the inside of some sort of house that was still too cold, but Erwin’s body was not. Levi felt like they were flashes before death, but they weren’t. They sure might have felt like them, but they weren’t. They were, in fact, just the man he loved, who loved him, making sure he didn’t die.

In a moment of a waking flash, Levi convulsed against Erwin’s stable body, blankets covering them. He was tucked up in Erwin’s lap as Erwin held him to keep him warm, but he wasn’t sure if it was really working. Levi was still freezing.

“Erwin,” Levi chattered.

“Sleep,” Erwin soothed, shushing him gently. He pulled him tighter into his chest and held him.

“I need to tell you, before I die…” Every word was difficult to get out, but he forced them out because Erwin deserved to know.

“Don’t,” Erwin said. “Don’t.”

“But you have to know…”

“I already do, Levi. But I think you will regret it if you don’t tell me when you’re in a stable mindset.” Erwin squeezed him tighter.

“But, but, but… Erwin, Erwin…”

“Sleep,” Erwin soothed. “Just sleep.”

Levi tried to stay awake, but sleep claimed him again.

Eventually, after tumultuous dreams of things Levi couldn’t understand, he woke up. He was groggy and he was cold, but he was awake. At least, he _thought_ he might be awake. There were a lot of other possibilities too.

He looked up and thought he saw an angel. It might have only been Erwin, but Erwin was the only angel Levi needed. If he was dead, this wasn’t a bad spot to remain in for the rest of whatever came next.

He didn’t know how long he was out for. He remembered fazing in and out some more, hearing a fire crackling but not knowing if that was in his head, hearing Erwin talking but not sure if that was just what he wanted to hear. He could feel blankets or something on him, but perhaps that was just wishful thinking as well. Perhaps it was all wishful thinking and it was all a dream. Or maybe this was heaven. But he didn’t deserve heaven. He didn’t deserve Erwin. He deserved nothing.

There were blankets around him and he was led on something like a sofa, but his eyes were still hazy and he couldn’t work anything out for a moment. The fire still seemed to be cracking, and Levi wondered if being dead meant he could be warm like this forever. He wanted Erwin there because he would love to have Erwin there for the rest of his life in this purgatory he was clearly going to, but if that meant Erwin was dead too, he didn’t want him. Erwin deserved to live, and if Levi had killed him by dragging behind, he would hate everything forever.

“Hey, hey,” Erwin said, noticing Levi was awake and coming to sit on the sofa beside him. He put the back of his hand to Levi’s forehead and tested his temperature. “You’re warming up.”

“Do I have pneumonia?” Levi asked, wishing Erwin would never remove his hand from his forehead.

“I don’t know, I’m not a doctor,” Erwin said, and he let his hand drop. It was on Levi’s thigh, covered by blankets, for a moment, before that was gone as well. Levi just wanted to be touched by him.

“Am I dead?” Levi asked, voice wavering.

Erwin smiled. “No, though I’m pretty sure you came close. It was not a pleasant time.”

“Sorry,” Levi said.

“Don’t apologise,” Erwin said. “I’m just glad you’re okay. Do you need something to eat?”

“You have food?”

“A couple of rabbits ran in when they felt the warmth, so we have them. They’re cooking.”

“Mm.”

Erwin smiled as Levi sat up. “Are you still cold?”

“Yes.” Levi brought the blankets up around him and tried not to shiver. “Why are you not cold?”

“I am,” Erwin said. “But I value you-.”

“Erwin,” Levi warned.

“I was going to say as a soldier,” Erwin said, though he was smiling despite Levi’s serious tone. “But I guess I mean that, too.”

“You are incessant,” Levi said, kind of glad to be talking about something normal. This was not normal to anyone else, but to these two, this was normal.

“Perhaps I will wear you down eventually.” Erwin’s smile warmed the chill that had set into Levi’s heart.

“Shut the fuck up and get me some rabbit,” Levi said, rolling his eyes.

Erwin smiled and stood, cooking the rabbit until perfection. Levi just watched Erwin, feeling warmed by watching his form, illuminated by the firelight, making him glow. Now he was an angel, and Levi was more in love than he really knew.

They ate slowly, Levi not caring to move all that much because it made him cold. But the food was good, and it warmed his insides as much as it could in this temperature. It wasn’t easy, eating next to Erwin whilst he felt like his insides were about to freeze, Erwin the only thing keeping him in this waking realm.

“How do we get out of this mess?” Levi asked, beginning to shiver again once they had finished their meal.

“Hopefully, the snow will stop soon and…”

Erwin trailed off because Levi had let his teeth chatter.

“I’m not doing this to be incessant,” Erwin began. “But body heat is meant to be the best thing.”

“I’m not going to fuck you, Erwin-.”

“That’s _not_ what I suggested,” Erwin interrupted. “But, wow, okay. Come on, scoot over.”

Levi did not.

“Levi.”

“Erwin.”

“I’m not going to try anything,” Erwin said. “Even though I do not understand why you’re protesting when you’ve said the things you have.”

“I am freezing to death. I do not have the energy to have this conversation. In fact, I will never have the energy for this conversation, so please.”

Erwin nodded, slow. “Body heat is still the best way to keep warm.”

“I’m not fucking cuddling, okay? Whatever else, it’s fine. Just no fucking cuddling.” Levi’s main argument against that was because he wouldn’t be able to control himself if Erwin started touching him and kissing him. And he needed to control himself.

Erwin nodded in agreement again, and then Levi opened the blanket for Erwin to climb in with him. At first, Levi kept himself tense, upright, not doing anything but sitting with Erwin’s arms around him. But Erwin was far too much of a relaxing presence for Levi to leave it at that. Restraint was not always possible when Erwin was involved.

So, without even a word, Levi scrambled into Erwin’s lap, not caring to watch his expression as he sat across his thighs, tucked up into a comfortable ball. Erwin secured his arms around him, wrapping him up, not saying a word either. It was very comfortable, and Levi cursed himself for enjoying this so much. It was tough, Erwin’s arms were so strong and he felt safer here than he had anywhere else in his entire life, but he was making Erwin think he wanted him. Whilst he did, he wasn’t meant to be letting Erwin think that.

Erwin kissed into Levi’s hair as he started to drift off, and Levi wanted to tell him to stop, but he couldn’t. Not only because he was too cold, but because he wanted Erwin to continue. If he was warmer, if he felt better, maybe they could have done more, maybe they could have kissed. Levi didn’t know, and he didn’t particularly think he should start trying to understand what was going on in his head.

Eventually, he didn’t have to think about that because he drifted off, head against Erwin’s chest as he tucked himself up, cosy. He was still rather cold, but Erwin was a wonderful heater, and Levi wouldn’t want anything else keeping him warm. Nothing else could compare.

The next morning, whilst Levi awoke warmer than before, it was not exactly like he was overheating, it was still rather the opposite. Stirring, so as to not wake Erwin, Levi tucked himself closer to his body, burying his face into the cloth of Erwin’s shirt. He hummed, content with how warm Erwin made him feel, inside and out. He was in love, and he wasn’t ever going to deny that.

“Good morning,” Erwin greeted, voice croaky.

It made Levi jump. He sat up straighter, and looked at Erwin. “I thought you were asleep.”

“I was,” Erwin said, smiling through tired eyes. “But I woke up.”

“Okay,” Levi said, suddenly feeling Erwin’s legs beneath him and the weight of his arms around him. There was more intimacy in this than Levi realised. Okay, so he was lying to himself, of course there was intimacy in this hold, and of course he was enjoying it, but there was so much to it now, it was killing him. It was killing him very quickly.

They paused and Levi wanted to get up and stay as well. Conflicting emotions were the absolute worst and it made life more difficult than it needed to be.

“The snow stopped a few hours ago,” Erwin said. “I think we can make a way out, we can try and make it through, somewhere.”

“Where do we go?”

“We’ll figure it out. I don’t think it’s good to stay here, and the titans don’t move in the snow. Or, at least, we haven’t seen any yet. I think it’ll be safe.”

“Until we freeze to death,” Levi said.

“Do you have a positive bone in your body?” Erwin asked, and he started smiling.

Levi scoffed and went to stand, Erwin far too enticing. But Erwin grabbed him before he could get up, and he was content to remain.

“How are you feeling?” Erwin asked, something different in his tone.

“Just fine,” Levi said.

“Good.”

They watched each other for a few seconds, Levi swallowing hard. He refused to get lost in the moment, and so he stood properly, not letting Erwin catch him this time. It was cold, and the absence of Erwin’s body was felt immensely. Levi tried not to shiver, wishing he could still be in his arms.

“We should go, just in case it starts snowing again,” Levi said, though there was more to it than that.

“Okay.” Erwin stood as well. “The snow is two, three feet high, so…”

“So…?” Levi repeated.

“If you wanted to get on my back as I wade through-.”

“Okay, now this is a fucking a joke. You’re not carrying me like I’m a child.”

“The snow is up to half your size.” Erwin looked him up and down. “Probably even more.”

“No excuse. No. Nope. None.”

“Okay, okay.” Erwin sighed. “I will walk in front, and you will walk behind in the path that I create.”

“Fine.”

They paused again, Levi starting to chew his cheek.

“Let’s go,” Erwin said, slowly.

They got ready in silence, dressing in their cloaks and pulling their boots on. They didn’t have much else. Erwin said they should take some of the blankets, and they did, but not all of them. Levi carried a few around his shoulders, Erwin took some more. They were bulky, but bulky was warm. Warmth was what they needed when they had nothing else but clothes to keep them sustained as they waded through the snow.

Erwin had been correct when he had said the snow was a few feet high. For a second, Levi considered saying yes to being carried. But he would not bow down to that. He could push through this. Maybe. Hopefully. Unlikely.

“Where the fuck do we go?” Levi asked, looking up at the sky that was pure white like it might snow again.

“Forward. We’ll go from there.”

Levi looked at Erwin, but he was looking ahead, set on something that Levi could not see. Erwin nodded, knowing that Levi was looking at him, and then he started walking, wading through the snow, pulling his hood up slowly. Levi pulled his up as well, and started to follow. This was not going to be easy.

It turned out to be very difficult indeed, damn near impossible almost. Whilst Erwin made enough of a path, it didn’t make it any warmer, and it didn’t make walking any easier. It was rather tough to keep up with Erwin, but he tried. Trying doesn’t always equate to success, however.

Erwin stopped for a second and Levi nearly walked into him. Erwin wrapped an arm around him to keep him warm, and, normally, Levi would object, but he couldn’t. His jaw was starting to freeze and Erwin’s side was all too enticing to abstain from. Erwin kept him close as he made his decision, and Levi was happy to remain where he was, tucked up beside him.

He told him they should go in another direction now, and Levi just nodded, following Erwin when he started to walk again. He asked Erwin if he could slow down just for a second, and Erwin stopped completely to look at him. He knitted his eyebrows together, Levi beginning to shiver.

“Do you want me to carry you?” Erwin asked.

“Fuck no.”

“Take my hand,” Erwin demanded, and Levi said nothing. Erwin offered his hand and Levi took it without any complaint, the warmth from Erwin’s hand spreading up his arm. It didn’t do much, but it did enough for them to carry on, at a much slower pace.

His bones felt rigid. He gripped Erwin’s hand tighter and Erwin squeezed his hand reassuringly, pulling him on as best as he could. But it was not working, and he genuinely thought he was going to die.

In fact, he started to feel very warm, almost hot. A hot flush was not something he was expecting when he was surrounded by snow, but he was feeling it. He started to shed some blankets, letting go of Erwin’s hand to do so and making Erwin look at him. Erwin did not like what he was seeing.

“What are you doing?” Erwin asked, gripping his shoulders so that he would not remove the last blanket he had on his body.

“I’m really warm, Erwin.” Levi tried to shake him off, but Erwin was not going to let him.

“You know that’s not right, don’t you?” Erwin asked, looking at him, ducked, hood hanging over his brow.

“I know, but it’s so… warm,” Levi said, feeling like he was overheating.

“Okay.” Erwin sighed. “Shit.”

Levi did not like it when Erwin swore. “Don’t swear.”

“Okay,” Erwin said, deflating.

“I don’t think I can walk anymore,” Levi said.

“Right. I’m carrying you.”

Levi went to protest but Erwin had already picked him up. Then Erwin was running through the snow, telling Levi to stay awake, to focus on his voice, to focus on staying alive. It was not easy, and Erwin’s voice was far too warm to not ease him into sleep.

“Come on, Levi,” Erwin said. “I’m not going to lose you to some snow.”

“I think I’m going to die.”

“No,” Erwin said, running faster, Levi not sure how he managed it. “You’re not. You’re fine. You’re going to live. You’re fine.”

“Tell me something, Erwin. Before I die, please,” Levi said.

“What?”

“Just tell me something nice,” Levi pleaded. “I don’t want to die with these thoughts.”

“You’re not going to die, love.”

“I’m weighing you down.”

“You’re spurring me on-.”

Erwin stopped speaking and Levi wondered if that was because he had died. But then Erwin was suddenly going faster, and Levi looked at him.

“What is it?” Levi asked, freezing and shaking.

“There’s some houses. We could be safe.”

Levi hummed, not feeling able to talk.

Erwin ran for his love until he reached the houses, though Levi did not have the effort to look around at where they were. Erwin went up to a house and knocked as best as he could with Levi in his arms, bouncing anxiously as he waited. Someone opened the door, but Levi did not see who it was.

They sounded like a woman, but Levi was delirious and it could have been anyone. “What is it?”

“I need a horse,” Erwin stated.

“We can’t just give out horses, sir.”

“He will die. We need a horse.”

“What can you offer me?”

“We have nothing to offer. This is Levi Ackerman, have you heard of him?”

There was a pause. “He doesn’t look like the man that’s going to save the world.”

“He is. But we have been stuck out in the snow for about six days,” Erwin lied. “I need to get him back. Do you wish for his death to be on your hands?”

“We only have one,” they said.

“We will need directions, as well.”

The next few moments were a blur as he was pulled onto a horse, Erwin sitting behind him, covering him in blankets and keeping him in position, his head lolling against Erwin’s shoulder. Then they were riding out in the snow, Erwin set on his direction to save the man he loved.

Levi was sure he was going to die, he was sure these were his final moments. Maybe he was being dramatic, he didn’t know, it was all far too much to handle. All he did know really was that his last moments being in Erwin’s arms as Erwin tried his hardest to save him, that wasn’t a bad way to go. He felt loved, and that was okay; dying whilst feeling loved was probably the best way to go in the world, Levi couldn't dream of anything better.


	3. Drawn in by it

They rode fast, faster than really seemed possible, Levi seeing the white pass as quickly as rapids. Sometimes his eyes were closed, sometimes they were open. Levi wasn’t quite sure. Things were running wild and all he wanted was to go home. All he wanted was Erwin to hold him, to make him better, but he wasn’t sure if he ever would get better.

He wasn’t sure how long they were out in the snow or how long it took them to get back, but they returned eventually. People fussed, but all Levi wanted was Erwin. Sometimes he thought he was holding Erwin’s hand, other times, he wasn’t sure what was going on. He wanted Erwin there, sometimes he thought he was calling out his name, but nothing was concrete, nothing was solid. Everything rushed around, and he didn’t know what he could count on.

This went on for over a week. Erwin did remain with him for as long as he could, though he knew Levi wasn’t always conscious. But he didn’t care. He loved soothing Levi, he loved being able to calm him. Levi often called out his name, and Erwin would run to him. He had responsibilities, he had things he had to do after being lost out in the snow, but Levi came first now. Nothing else mattered more than Levi getting better.

The hot flushes Levi felt could only be calmed by Erwin, telling him that he had to keep the blankets on, that he had to stay warm because he was still freezing. He would hold his hand, brush the hair across his forehead, soothe him into sleep. There were times even when he was asleep that Levi would mumble Erwin’s name, and he would stay by his side for as long as he could, and even longer. Maybe he had other things to do, but there was no way they were as important as Levi, not in any universe.

After a straining week, Levi got better. It took time. Being cold, that wasn’t any state people deserved to be in. But he healed, and Erwin was definitely the reason. Okay, maybe the doctor helped as well, but Erwin was certainly one of the reasons. He had saved Levi, and Levi would repay him by not dying. That was the courteous thing to do.

When he could finally stand, he stretched and thanked the gods or whoever else might be listening that he could breathe and that he was not chattering his teeth. This was a blessing, and Levi wasn’t about to forget how good life could be now.

He left the room and breathed in, his lungs filling with wonderful, warm air. Everything was good; he wasn’t dead. And that was a very good thing.

Then Erwin came around the corner and nerves consumed him. How was he meant to talk to him now? What were they meant to talk about? He had pretty much confessed how in love with him he was, and he wasn’t ready to see him now when he was in a stable mindset and he could think properly.

“Hello,” Erwin greeted, looking overly relieved that Levi was up and walking. He stopped where he was, and he looked at Levi.

This unspoken, or rather, this very spoken thing between them was a lot to deal with, and Levi wasn’t sure how to act.

“How are you feeling?” Erwin asked.

“Fine. Just fine.” Levi swallowed. “Uh… Uh, thank, thank you for everything.”

Erwin smiled, warm. “There’s no thanks necessary.”

“Okay.”

There was a long pause and Levi sighed, deep.

“Can we talk, Levi? About everything.” Erwin’s eyes were naked, something in them so vulnerable and questioning that Levi didn’t quite know what to do.

“Um, here?” Levi asked.

“Where else would we go?”

“I don’t know.” Levi was stalling. He would never be ready for this conversation. Not ever. “I don’t think I really want to talk about it.”

Erwin stepped forward and ushered Levi into the room he had just left. Levi sighed and went in, knowing this was a mistake but not having all that much power to stop it.

The door shutting behind Erwin made Levi jump, and he held his breath, not sure what was going to happen.

“We went through a lot, Levi,” Erwin began, hands laced neatly behind his back. Levi crossed his arms and waited, a lump stuck in his throat. “And, whilst that might influence some people, I don’t think it changed us-.”

“Erwin,” Levi cut off. “I don’t think it was really us.”

Erwin shook his head. “I don’t think that’s true at all.”

“I do. I think we were drawn in by it, by everything that happened. It was a mess, and we were compensating. I don’t think I have to tell you again-.”

“What happened before, I feel like things may have changed.”

“I don’t. I can’t be with you, Erwin. Some snow and illness isn’t going to change that.”

“Levi-.”

“Erwin, how many times do I have to tell you?”

“As many times until I understand.”

“I don’t know how else to say it.” Levi sighed. “Please.”

Levi ran a hand through his hair, and suddenly Erwin’s arms were around him, stopping him from leaving because he knew Levi was going to try to leave. That was the way it always happened. Erwin knew Levi, he could read him like a book, and Levi knew he couldn’t hide from that.

“Can you just… I don’t know… Levi, I would like it if you could explain why you are acting like this.”

“I have explained. Please don’t ask again, Erwin, because, otherwise, I’ll have to go.”

“Go where?”

“Away, from here, the Corps… You. Just, away.”

“You can’t possibly leave this cause because of this between us.”

“Then stop asking.”

Levi didn’t want to push Erwin away, but if this was the only way, then he had to do it. If this was the only way to stop him feeling something, then that was what he had to do. Maybe they did love each other, but Levi had done too many things wrong in his life to deserve someone as pure and as loving and as wonderful as Erwin Smith. He deserved the world, and Levi couldn’t give him the world.

Erwin was taken aback, and he let go of Levi, Levi stumbling backwards because proximity to Erwin was enough to make Levi want to do things he couldn’t control. He needed control. And he needed Erwin to have control as well. Levi got the feeling that, if he was around, Erwin would not have control, and that was not the way either of them could behave. The world depended on them, and Levi couldn’t let them get distracted. It wasn’t fair to the world.

“There are bigger things in the world than us, Erwin,” Levi said, unable to look at him.

“I’m not saying that’s the case,” Erwin defended, furrowing his brow. “Do you honestly think that I would believe myself or my feelings above everything else?”

“No, I never said that. But if you continue to do this, then you send me away. And if I get sent away, then I think you do think like that.”

“I really don’t understand.” Erwin sounded exasperated as he ran a hand through his hair, messing its structure.

“You don’t need to understand. You just need to let this go.”

Erwin did not speak again, and Levi decided it was best for him not to as well. Instead, Levi just left, closing the door behind him. He went to his quarters, he locked the door, and he wept. Life might make sense for other people, it may have made more sense for them to just be together, but it didn’t for Levi. Levi wanted Erwin to have the best things in the world, and Levi wasn’t that. Levi was nothing. And Erwin deserved everything.

The next day, Levi had a cold shower, waking himself up and trying to cool the red patches on his face. He had spent most of the night crying, having only gotten a couple of hours sleep, and he looked a mess. Erwin would notice, and Levi didn’t want Erwin to notice. He had to pretend he was indifferent, he had to pretend this wasn’t affecting him so that Erwin could move on. Levi didn’t mind himself in pain, he didn’t mind his own heart hurting and shattering, but he couldn’t let Erwin’s. He had to break it now so that Erwin could move on and heal. He didn’t mind his own in pieces forever, but he could heal Erwin’s. It might just hurt for now.

They weren’t alone together for a long, long while. Weeks, maybe months went by where they pretended their relationship was nothing more than professional. Erwin addressed him as Captain Ackerman, Levi addressed him as Commander. The others seemed confused at first, but when they continued to act as so, they accepted it. Levi accepted it. Well, he pretended to accept it, he could never accept the reality of the situation, not ever.

It was not easy. Every time he saw him, his heart lurched, shattering like glass when Erwin merely nodded at him as though he was just another soldier, just another name to the ranks below him. Of course, Erwin valued every one of his soldiers, but now Levi felt like nothing. And he deserved it, of course he deserved it, but that didn’t mean it made things any less difficult.

The missions they went on were relatively successful, their casualties minimal. Erwin seemed pleased, but he took everything the same way; it was never great news and it was never terrible news, it was all the same. Nothing major happened, and Levi didn’t expect anything major, as did no one else. Hanji was always scheming, but even they seemed stumped. Nothing was really going on, and it made everyone restless. But it also gave Levi time to think, and thinking wasn’t anything he wanted.

With this restless period with little results, they were called to the Capital, and Levi wanted that even less. These people with their rich lives and extravagant jewels and opulent living, who the fuck were they to think they deserved to have answers and results every second of the day? They weren’t working hard. They deserved shit all. They didn’t deserve Erwin or his time. Levi hated them for it.

It was some gathering they were called to, a meeting occurring the morning after. Levi said to the Commander, and the others who were also in the room, that he would stay back at HQ and he would make sure they carried on with their duties, but the Commander had told him that he, with his skill level and kill count, was a requirement. If they could talk to him, they would feel a surge of reassurance in their ability to complete their goals. Levi had continued to protest, but he gave in eventually. Erwin looked too exhausted to argue with him for too long, and Levi wanted him to take it easy in as many aspects as possible.

He knew his reputation, and sure, he was a strong soldier, but why did he have to talk to them? Was their gossip not enough? Levi was an asshole, and he knew that, and he really didn’t want to fuck this all up. If he could just pretend he didn’t hate these people, then they could get through this.

Maybe.

It was hard; they were incessant, they wanted to give Levi his praise and ask him for stories. To them, this was a game, this was a tale they could tell their children. They didn’t want to hear about the dead, they didn’t want to know the kind of injuries these people got, they didn’t care how close they got to death, they just wanted a little story to give them some sort of excitement that their dull, monotonous, rich lives didn’t give them. And Levi, with his reputation and his achievements in the field could give them just that.

Levi wasn’t a particularly good speaker or storyteller, but they didn’t seem bothered by that, as long as they got every detail they could. They asked about his favourite kills, which Levi didn’t really know how to answer, so they asked about the tallest titan he killed, and the most dangerous ones. Levi just told them, pretending he was proud. He wasn’t really. Pride wasn’t the reason he killed, not at all. But if he could pretend it was for the next few hours, then he could get through the night.

It turned out to be a very long night indeed. When Levi finally got the chance to excuse himself and leave the room, the sun had sunk low beneath the horizon, and the towns and cities were covered in a blanket of night and darkness. His footsteps echoed around the halls as he made his way to his room, scouring the walls around him to try and figure out how these people got so lucky to be born rich. None of them worked their way up, they were all born into this privilege. How they got that lucky, Levi didn’t know, and it was unlikely he would ever find out.

Other echoed footsteps meshed with his own, and Levi hoped that he wasn’t about to meet one of those privileged fucks. He was drained, and if he was meant to behave in a meeting tomorrow, then he would need all the energy he could get. These people were exhausting, and Levi hated exhaustion.

It turned out to be Erwin. And, for a second, he wished it was one of those privileged fucks because Levi found he would be able to talk to one of them a lot easier than he could talk to Erwin. Erwin was too much for him to handle, but his beautiful blue eyes had found him in the shadows, and he couldn’t walk away now.

They were walking towards the same corridor, Erwin coming from the other direction, and Levi hoped he would reach the turning first, but he didn’t. Erwin got there first, and he waited. Levi wished he would carry on, but he didn’t. Of course, he didn’t.

“How are you feeling?” Erwin asked, addressing him politely, as though they weren’t in love with each other.

It was the first time they had been alone in a long time, and Levi was finding his gaze overwhelming.

“Fine, they’re, uh, they’re fine,” Levi lied. These people were not fine and they never would be, but Erwin didn’t have to deal with Levi’s hatred when he had so much else to deal with as well.

“That’s good to hear,” Erwin said, nodding politely.

The atmosphere was thick enough for Levi to be able to cut with a knife, and it was choking him. How could Erwin breathe? Levi had wanted him to be good, to be fine and normal, but now Levi realised that that was killing him. He wanted Erwin to be okay, he just didn’t realise how much it was going to make his heart ache in the meantime.

Levi nodded as well, not sure what to say, the air strangling him. They stayed in silence for a few seconds and Levi started chewing his cheek. Why was it like this? Why did it have to be this painful? He knew it was going to hurt, but this much? How was he meant to survive this much pain?

Erwin’s composure fell, and he hung his head, rubbing his forehead roughly. Levi just watched, heart pounding in his mouth, wondering what on earth was coming next.

“This is far too difficult,” Erwin said, and he sounded so tired, Levi didn’t even know what to say. “I can’t focus, not without you by my side.”

“I’m still by your side-.”

“Don’t lie. You’re not. You’ve abandoned me.”

“What?” Levi said it under his breath but Erwin still looked at him. “How fucking dare you think that I’ve abandoned you? How fucking dare you?”

“How could I not think that?”

“Do you not realise how much this is killing me?”

“You’re the one that stopped it-.” Erwin was cut off by footsteps coming down the hall, and he ran a hand through his hair. “Come with me.”

Erwin walked off down the hall, expectant of Levi to follow him and, after a few seconds, he did. They went to Erwin’s room and Levi just waited for Erwin to say something. He had never seen him this on edge before, he had never seen him so dishevelled. He was pacing the room, and Levi felt like he was watching a caged animal that had finally been released, and Levi didn’t know if he had the favour of this beast or not.

Erwin took off his bolo tie and jacket and undid the first few buttons of his shirt. Levi just waited, feeling like a child about to be scolded. He didn’t like the thought of Erwin being mad with him, but he deserved it. Levi just wished he was a better person than he was.

“I don’t even know how to talk to you anymore,” Erwin said, not looking at Levi, pacing the room and losing himself in his thoughts. “You are one of the only things in my life that I do love, Levi. And to not have you, I can deal with that. But to not be able to confide in you at all, whether that be romantic or not, I don’t know how to deal with that, Levi. I just don’t. You are… Fuck.”

Erwin never swore. It made Levi jump.

He stopped pacing and closed his eyes. Levi just watched, feeling tiny.

“Say something,” Erwin demanded, though it was quiet.

“I… I, uh, I, I don’t know what to say.” Levi swallowed, hard.

Erwin opened his eyes, and there was such a vulnerability there that Levi never associated Erwin with that he was shocked into silence.

“Do you remember, when we were stuck in that little house after all that snow, and you were near frozen to death? Do you remember what you were going to say to me?” Erwin asked.

Levi nodded slowly because he could, and it had played on his mind ever since.

“Say it now,” Erwin said.

Levi shook his head, chewing his lip.

“Say it.”

Levi shook his head again.

“I need to hear you say it.”

“I’ve said it before.” Levi swallowed and clenched his fists.

“I want to know exactly what you were going to say. So, say it.”

Levi didn’t want to. He knew it would spiral out of control. Control. Did Levi have it? No. And if he thought he ever did, what a fool he had been.

“I love you, Erwin. You know that I do. You are all in this world that I love, and you know that.” He paused, a shaky breath leaving his lips. “But I wasn’t going to say that that night. I was going to say that… I was going to say that you deserve the world, and I wish I could give it to you, but I can’t. I can’t give you anything, and I want you to have everything. All I want is to deserve you, but I don’t. I don’t deserve you, and I love you, but I can’t have you.”

He closed his eyes and tried to pretend this wasn’t happening, but then Erwin’s lips were on his, and he forgot how to breathe. Erwin was this forceful passion all of a sudden, his arms around Levi’s much smaller body, encompassing him completely. He had wanted it for so long, and it was more than he could have ever imagined.

Erwin was strong, but there was so much love in him that Levi melted into him, and he let his eyes flutter shut, wrapping his arms around Erwin’s neck, pressing his body into the one body that he loved more than anything else in the world. He was fierce in his love and his adoration, and Levi wanted that ferocity. He wanted everything, and Erwin seemed just about ready to give it to him, even if he felt he didn’t deserve it.

Erwin pulled away, and Levi thought the world was going to crumble beneath him.

“Why would you think I might want the world? Everything I could ever need or want is right here, in my arms. It’s not the world I want, Levi,” Erwin said, and he was looking at Levi so intensely, all he could do was swallow, his lips parted. “Let me have you, Levi.”

Levi said nothing.

“Will you?” Erwin asked.

Levi nodded, slowly, slightly, the earth shattering beneath him.

But Erwin was there, holding him, keeping him up. Erwin crashed their lips together again, and then they were walking towards the bed, still connected, always together. Erwin was taking off Levi’s jacket, undoing his own buttons, then some of Levi’s, hands all desperate and wanting. The hunger in Erwin’s eyes was overwhelming, and Levi wanted to give him everything he had to satiate it.

They tumbled onto the bed together, Levi beneath Erwin, his weight comfortable. He ran his hands through Erwin’s blonde locks, and he fell as far in love as he could get without tumbling, though he came pretty close.

“I love you,” Erwin mumbled against Levi’s lips, and Levi lapped it up, all of the attention not something he was used to, but something he could grow accustom to.

“And I love you,” Levi replied, pressing his lips to Erwin’s cheek and temple and nose and everywhere else he could, in love with him, always in love with him.

A knock sounded on the door.

“Ignore it,” Erwin said, instantly, pressing his lips to Levi’s jaw.

It sounded again.

Erwin hesitated, but then continued, though Levi was more worried. What reason would someone knock on his door this late? Was it another lover? Was it an assassin? It could be anyone.

It sounded once more. “Erwin, it’s an emergency,” a voice said, sounding an awful lot like Hanji.

Erwin sighed before he stood, and Levi sat up. It was over. The reality crashed down on him, and he ran a hand through his hair before he rubbed his eyes. Then he stood and started dressing.

He overheard Hanji and Erwin speaking.

“-gunfire. A civilian’s been killed,” Hanji said.

“Just now?” Erwin asked.

“Yes. We need to be moved. They think everyone here is in danger. They said something about people from the Underground. There’s been an uprising or something.”

Levi swallowed and then ran forward towards the door. Hanji looked a little shocked to see Levi, who was still slightly underdressed, but they didn’t say anything about it.

“What do you mean?” Levi asked.

“They passed some law recently that did something bad down there,” Hanji explained. “And now you’re here as well-.”

“I’m a part of this?”

“I don’t know,” Hanji said, running a hand through their hair and pushing their glasses up on their nose. “It’s a lot. But we have to go.”

“The meeting-,” Erwin began.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Levi asked, going to grab his jacket and pulling it over his shoulders.

“It was important,” Erwin defended.

“Not fucking now,” Levi said. “They’d kill you in a second.”

“Why am I important?” Erwin asked.

Hanji had been forgotten, though they watched on.

“You’re fucking Commander of the fucking Survey fucking Corps. You mean absolute shit to them because freedom doesn’t fucking exist down there. Get fucking dressed, we’re leaving.”

Levi left the room, barging passed Hanji.

He met Erwin in the carriage, Mike already there. Hanji came in with Erwin, and then they were riding off. Some gunfire sounded in the distance, and Levi took a deep breath. Their carriage was not impenetrable. If they figured out this was where they were, then they would be like sitting ducks. They had no gear, they had no weapons, they had nothing. They would already be dead if the shooters knew where they were.

They were travelling far too slowly through the city, Levi’s stomach tight as he watched out of the gap in the curtains, alert. Any movement, and Levi’s eyes were on it, watching.

Something shuffled on a rooftop, and Levi’s eyes watched it. It was ahead, and they were approaching, and the nerves in his stomach grew tighter, and then something moved again. He was not going to let Erwin die. Not now. He was too important. Not just to Levi, but to everyone.

He jumped out of the carriage, hearing everyone inside protest as he ran in the darkness, using the coverage of the houses’ shadows to get as close as he could. He knew how to climb a building without gear unlike the rest of them, he’d had so much practice. So, when he reached the roof, silent like a cat, he saw the person who was aiming their gun at the carriage, watching, waiting.

Levi, however, was not one to wait.

He approached the gunman silently, his days in Underground having prepared him for this for years. Without even a moment of hesitation, his hands were on the back of their head, shoving it down onto the roof, making them bleed. They tried to turn around, but Levi was stronger. He was the fucking strongest soldier in the entire Survey Corps, no one was a match for him. He smacked their head against the tiling again, and heard the cracking of skull and bone. They stopped stirring and Levi kicked the body off the roof, not caring where it landed or who might find it.

Adjusting himself on the roof, Levi leaned down and pressed his face to the side of the gun, scouting out where the others might be. He shot two of them. They were too easy to spot, they were so unprofessional. They didn’t know what they were doing, and they were easy to kill.

And, just as he shot the leg of another one, Levi remembered just why he and Erwin were not meant to be together. Levi was a killer, this was easy for him. They were only amateurs because Levi wasn’t. He was never an assassin, but he had killed. And Erwin didn’t deserve a murderer. That was what Levi was, and Erwin deserved someone so much better, so much cleaner.

There couldn’t be many more, maybe three or four, not including the one who now had a hole in his leg. Levi would kill them all for Erwin, and then he would avoid Erwin forever. He could kill with ease. Erwin was not the kind of man that should have to deal with that.

Two more were killed instantly, and Levi shot the other one with the leg issue with two more shots. Then he ran out of bullets and had to try and find anyone else who might be trying to kill the man he loved.

Instead, they found him.

The fight was bloody, but the only blood Levi shed was on his knuckles. He split the skin across his bones and then split the skin across theirs, it cracking like porcelain. They tried to get punches in, but Levi was, of course, faster. His knuckles were sore, but he didn’t mind the pain if it was for Erwin.

Just a minor fight wasn’t going to kill them, so Levi had to fight dirty, as if that wasn’t how he had been fighting his entire life. Levi did a swift kick to one of their legs and they went tumbling off the roof. The silence of the night meant that Levi could hear the crack of whatever part of the body the attacker had landed on and their groan of pain.

The remaining person went into some fighter stance that Levi almost laughed at. It was pathetic, and Levi was ashamed of the fighting skills some had in Underground, which made Levi feel ridiculous because why should he feel such pride about his own skills?

There were some punches, some kicks, but Levi got the advantage. He swept them off their feet as well and kicked down into their skull until it collapsed and they lived no longer. It was easy for Levi, and their lives did not matter to him.

On the ground, the one he had knocked off was starting to stir, so Levi climbed down and watched them struggle, pitying them for a moment. Then, without a second of hesitation, Levi knelt down and pressed his hands to their neck, not even looking into their eyes as they suffocated.

When they went limp, Levi stood and walked away. It was nothing to Levi, and it filled him with guilt. Erwin was in love with a murderer, and he did not deserve that. Erwin was far too good to deserve Levi, he deserved everything that he wanted. And what did Levi have to offer? Some fighting skills and the ability to ration so well that he wouldn’t starve to death? Wow, what a skilled and beneficial partner he would be.

Finding the carriage in the night wasn’t an easy feat when they were meant to be going back discreetly and they had sent out doppelganger carriages to confuse the attackers. Levi was kind of glad. He didn’t want to ride back in a carriage with them anyway.

So, to further this horrific night of murder and crime, Levi stole a horse and rode back by himself, the cool breeze of the night cooling his hot head. He had made so many mistakes in his life and even attempting to believe that he could have Erwin was the biggest one.

For a moment, he considered not going back to HQ. There were places he could go, places he could hide forever. But the actual thought of not seeing Erwin ever again was absolute hell. But maybe he deserved hell. After everything he had done, after everything he had put people through, particularly the man he loved, he definitely didn’t deserve heaven or anything pleasant that was associated with that. In fact, he knew he deserved hell.

But Erwin loved him, and he could not put Erwin through hell by leaving him. Or maybe he should so that he should get over him. What was the right decision? Levi sure as hell didn’t know, and one ride on horseback to HQ certainly wasn’t going to give him the answers.


	4. Tell Me What to do

Riding all through the night, Levi got back to the stables by the time the sun had risen. He tied up his stolen horse and considered his options, though there weren’t all that many. He could go to Erwin now, tell him everything had been a mistake, he could untie his horse and ride off again, or he could go to Erwin and just straight up kiss him. None of them seemed to be something Levi wanted to do, except for the latter, though that was something he very much couldn’t do.

There had been such a large part of him that told him to ride away into the distance, to ignore everything and forget about these people, but he hadn’t. He had come back to Headquarters because of Erwin. He would always come back to Erwin, no matter how much it hurt. And it would always hurt.

“Oh, Levi,” Hanji said, coming into the stable and looking at him, shocked. “You’re not dead.”

“No,” Levi said, stroking the horse’s muzzle. “I killed them all.”

Hanji’s eyes widened. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” Levi said, feeling numb all over, staring at the horse as if they might give him the answers he needed.

“Yeah,” Hanji repeated. “We got the telegram just now. We’re all looking for you.”

“I am here.”

“I can see that.” Hanji smiled widely. “There might be repercussions.”

“For me?”

“No. Not if we don’t tell them it was you.”

“Okay.”

“Erwin said to send you to his office if we found you.”

“He did?”

“Yeah.” Hanji was speaking slowly, carefully. “Is everything okay between the two of you?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t it be?”

“No reason. Just, I don’t know, I was just wondering.”

“Okay.”

Hanji nodded. “Okay.”

They both paused.

“Are you okay?” Hanji asked.

“Yes. I’m fine.”

“I mean, you killed people.”

“Yes.”

“Right,” Hanji said. “Well, you should go.”

They watched Levi as he left, walking as slowly as he knew how, not really wanting to reach his destination. He didn’t care about the petty fucks he had killed, though he knew others might. They were Underground, nobody cared about them. Levi would be surprised if they were ever mentioned again. What he did care about was Erwin. Erwin deserved the world. Levi had nothing to offer but himself as a criminal and a murderer, and why would Erwin want that?

Outside of his office, Levi waited a good ten, maybe fifteen minutes before he worked up the nerve to knock. If he was going to do this, then he was going to do this. A little bit of pain for an awful lot of relief. That was what he had to remember.

Levi knocked. Which he never did. Erwin seemed surprised when he opened the door to see Levi, just standing there and waiting. He stood back and opened the door for Levi to come in, which he did, slowly. The click of the door shutting made him jump, but he tried not to show it.

Erwin perched on the edge of his desk and crossed his arms, and Levi didn’t know where to look. They hadn’t really spoken, and now Levi could feel that. There was an expectancy and Levi didn’t like other people having expectations of him.

“How are you feeling?” Erwin asked, a heavy note to his tone. “After everything that happened.”

“Just fine,” Levi lied. “I’m doing just fine.”

“The telegram…” Erwin began. “I think we should thank you for-.”

“It was nothing. Let’s not talk about it.”

“Okay.” Erwin released a big breath. “And, um, what about what happened before that? Between you and I?” Erwin asked, and he was expecting Levi to say that they were fine too, that they would carry on, that maybe they could finish it now.

But he wouldn’t.

“We got carried away,” Levi said, avoiding eye contact.

Erwin paused for a long time before he spoke, and it made Levi’s skin crawl. “Are you serious?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t believe that for a second,” Erwin said. “Nothing we did was any sort of “carried away”.”

“I do. I think we were drained, I think everyone there is exhausting, I think we were distant to each other, and so we overreacted. I don’t think either of us were really thinking, so that’s what I think and that’s how I feel, Erwin.”

“I don’t think you honestly believe that,” Erwin said after the longest pause.

“I do,” Levi lied.

“Then look at me when you say it.”

Levi forced his eyes to meet Erwin’s, but it was not easy. Erwin’s blue eyes were the most beautiful thing he knew; they were the colour of the sky, the colour of large stretches of pure water, the colour of freedom. They were everything Levi wanted, and everything he didn’t deserve.

“We got carried away,” Levi forced out, though it was easy to tell he was lying. “And that is exactly what I believe.”

Erwin’s eyes got sadder and Levi’s heart broke further.

“You still expect me to believe that?” Erwin asked, though he sounded broken.

“I looked at you,” Levi said, his conviction almost non-existent.

“Levi-.”

“Erwin, I’ve killed people.”

Erwin hesitated for a moment, shocked by what Levi had said. “Those people who attacked us-.”

“I’m not talking about them,” Levi confessed. “I’ve killed people before that. After the shit that I’ve pulled, I can’t put that on you.”

“What about the lives I sacrifice almost every mission?”

“It’s not the same. It’s nowhere near the same.”

“It’s still people I’ve killed. It is the same.”

“But they’re for the cause. They offer themselves up,” Levi said. “The people I’ve killed, there wasn’t any reason for them. I’m not worthy of you, Erwin. There’s nothing you can say that’s going to make it seem as though I’m not a murderer. You are Commander of the Survey Corps. I’m nothing, Erwin… I’m nothing.”

“Levi… You are the dearest thing in my life, I don’t want you to push this away. I won’t let you, not when I know the truth about you feel, even if you are denying it.”

“I don’t want to go through this again.”

“Then explain it to me,” Erwin said. “I don’t understand, and I have never understood.”

“I don’t know how else to explain it to you.” Levi sighed. “I am in love with you, and I have been in love with you for a long time. And, because I have been in love with you for so long, do you understand that I am not letting this happen for a good fucking reason? You are the only thing in this world that I love, the only fucking thing. I cannot allow myself to have you because you deserve the fucking world, you deserve everything you could ever want, and I am nothing. I am absolutely nothing. I have nothing to give you, I have nothing to offer. I have nothing, okay? I have nothing. I have nothing…”

Levi paused to catch his breath.

“Tell me what to do, Erwin. Don’t tell me what you want me to do, tell me what to do.” Levi just watched as Erwin struggled for a minute. It was a lot to ask of him, but Levi didn’t know what else he could do.

“I don’t know,” Erwin replied. “I don’t think I can be objective about it.”

“Then don’t fucking do this again. Otherwise, I’m fucking gone.”

Erwin did not speak again. He just looked broken. Levi had broken him, and he had hurt him, and he hated himself for it. But it was necessary. Pain was sometimes necessary.

“Am I free to go, Commander Smith?”

Erwin nodded once and Levi left, slamming the door shut. He wasn’t angry with Erwin, he was angry with himself, and he would forever be angry with himself. The shit he had pulled, Erwin deserved so much more than Levi could ever give him.

It was something he wished he could explain, but the words never came to him, particularly not in the moment. Everything he wanted to say, everything he needed to say, it just never came. Erwin would likely never understand what Levi was trying to tell him, and that was partly Levi’s fault. The other part, Levi put that down to the world being cruel, but maybe he was bitter. In fact, he was sure he was bitter, there was nothing else he was but bitter against the world for trying to give him something he couldn’t have.

They couldn’t avoid each other after that, it seemed. There were meetings, and the Capital wanted results, which meant mission after mission came. None of them resulted in much but the death of soldiers, but as long as they were doing something, the higher ups didn’t seem to care. All they wanted was for them to do something, even if doing that something meant the results would be disastrous.

They had another mission coming up that everyone was dreading. The recruit count had been low, and Levi knew these deaths out in the field were the reason. Who would really want to sign up for something when the result was almost definitely going to be death?

But, unfortunately, they were a necessity and they could not be avoided. Another thing that could not be avoided was the tension he and Erwin shared wherever they went. It was so much that some of the others asked Erwin and Levi, separately, what was going on, which Levi dismissed, and Erwin just shook his head and said nothing, which solved nothing.

As Levi was a Captain, on missions, he rode out beside Erwin and, every time, it was just as hard as the last. Erwin may have been focused on other things, as Levi was as well, but Erwin’s presence would always be distracting and Levi could never ignore that.

They rode out of the wall in their little herd, much smaller than they needed it to be for a mission like this. Their objective was to seize a titan, to capture it for something Hanji needed to prove, but their capturing missions weren’t always successful. In fact, their success rate for these types of missions was very low indeed, and Levi didn’t know how they always got the okay to do these missions when they so infrequently got what they said they wanted to.

It was barren for a good long while, everyone on edge because they knew what might be coming but were not seeing any signs. Levi kept an eye on Erwin, but his mind was a little elsewhere for the most part; on the very possible threat of death that was coming around the corner at any moment.

When they spotted the first one, a group of soldiers went off and took it down, Hanji saying it wasn’t the one they needed. Once it was dead, some breathed a sigh of relief, but Levi felt this was the calm before the storm. And, almost always, his instinct was correct.

More and more came after that, and they were suddenly dealing with an onslaught of them, an onslaught they were not at all prepared for. There were sparse groupings of trees around them but, other than that, they were out in an open field with nothing around them for miles; they were sitting ducks; they were pretty much dead already.

Levi tried to keep people alive, he tried to help, but they were far too much and the deaths occurring all around Levi were dropping his morale intensely. He felt death grasping at him, breathing down his neck, and he was trying to escape, but there was little hope.

Pausing, Levi surveyed the scene before him, and it was not a hopeful sight; Hanji was screaming at Mike to keep the one he had alive just as Mike sliced open its neck, there were five other newbies trying to take on one and not succeeding, and there was no sign of Erwin. Not a single one.

Panic stuck him for a moment, not knowing what he should do. He didn’t need the Commander to tell him what to do, he regularly did things without word from Erwin, but he wanted to see him now. And he didn’t know where he was.

Then he saw him, and he breathed out heavy, weight lifting from him. It wasn’t much relief, but it was something.

Until Erwin was thrown from his horse.

The battle around them was already a lot to handle, and now there was this. His heart found its way to his mouth and his hands were struggling to hold the reigns. He couldn’t make his way over to Erwin fast enough, his body close to being frozen in fear. But Erwin would always throw him into action, no matter what the situation was.

“Shit,” Levi cursed as he dismounted his horse and rushed over to Erwin.

He had sat up, but he was holding his head, and it was making Levi shake further. He would be fine, Levi would ensure it, but it was making his stomach churn. Erwin was their Commander and he had to stay safe. Sure, many Commanders died, but Erwin had been so successful, and he had to survive. Maybe Levi was biased as well, he couldn’t think properly and so he wasn’t sure.

Kneeling in front of him, Levi cupped his face with both of his hands. There was a drip of blood running down his forehead, but that seemed the worst of it. His eyes were dazed, but he was alive, that was the main thing.

“Leave me,” Erwin mumbled, eyelids drooped.

“Shut up,” Levi said, as affectionately as he could, heart pounding loud enough to hear it.

There were some trees around them, but not nearly enough to cover them from a titan’s sight. A few feet away, there was a sort of cave with a minute entrance, one no titan could fit through, but it was exposed, and they would likely be seen. They had no other choice, but it was risky.

“We need to move,” Levi stated and he moved Erwin’s face so he was directly looking into his eyes. “Get up.”

“Levi, I hit my head,” Erwin complained. “I can’t move well. Just leave me.”

“Like fuck.”

“Levi-.”

“Get up.”

“I can’t-.”

“Get the fuck up,” Levi commanded, and there was no room for argument.

Sighing, Erwin began to stand and Levi helped him up, though it was a struggle.

Erwin leaned heavily on Levi as they made their way out of the trees and towards this little entrance. Levi did not have time to look around, but he knew they had been spotted. There were lots of them, too many too count, and he and Erwin were easy prey.

The little entrance they got to was tight, and trying to shove Erwin in was no easy feat. Erwin was a big fucking guy and the entrance was not that large. After some shoving and pushing, they got in, though only just before a titan came up and tried to grab them. Levi felt the rush of air from its hand behind him just as he scrambled through behind Erwin.

It was dark inside, and it took a moment for Levi’s eyes to adjust because the titan was pressing their hand in, blocking all light from getting where it might enter otherwise. Some of the roof of the cave had holes, but the light streams they let in were not enough. They barely did anything, but his eyes did adjust, so they could work around that as they waited and thought about what they should do next.

Levi helped Erwin to the back, and they rested against the very end of the cave, Erwin leaning on Levi, Levi happy to support him. They were in a precarious position now, and Levi decided they should just wait, though not knowing what for. If there wasn’t an end to this, then they would die in this cave, though Levi didn’t want to think about that. He didn’t know what to think about. All he wanted to focus on was Erwin, and that’s where he would keep his focus until… until they got out of this, somehow.

“Levi,” Erwin began.

“Don’t strain yourself.”

“I just wanted to say…”

“Don’t bother,” Levi said. “If you fall asleep, I’m going to kick your ass.”

“Mm…”

“Oi,” Levi said and he pinched Erwin. “No sleeping.”

“If I could rest my eyes, just for a moment, maybe,” Erwin said, his tone sleepy.

“No,” Levi said. “No. I said no.” He pinched Erwin again.

“Hanji is to be the next Commander,” Erwin said, his eyes fluttering open and closed. “You must make sure of it.”

“Sure. But it’s not happening for at least another decade, so there’s no need for me to worry.”

“Mm,” Erwin hummed. “The titans will get us here. You should’ve left me.”

“Like I could ever do that.”

Erwin tried to keep talking, but it wasn’t really working, so Levi spoke to him and kept him awake. No fucking way was Erwin going to die, not now, not like this. There was no way.

It was certainly a struggle, and Levi could hear the amount of tragedy going on outside their little cave, but his focus was Erwin who kept dozing off. He had to keep reminding him that, if he fell asleep, Levi was going to injure him beyond repair, but with the head injury he had, Erwin was out of it, not really listening. He was there, but it was like a wall was in front of him, and it was making Levi’s heart pound and his mouth dry.

Somehow, they got rid of all the titans in the area, and people were calling out for Erwin and Levi. Levi had to drag Erwin out of the cave, and the others were incredibly relieved when they saw them. If the Commander and one of the Captains had died, it would have been a very bad mission indeed. There were still many lives that were lost, but it wasn’t the worst mission they had been on.

Levi wanted to stay by Erwin’s side, but he had to pass him off to Mike who helped him onto a cart with some of the other injured soldiers. Desperately, Levi wanted to jump up and sit next to him, but he was safe there, and he had to trust that other people could take care of him. He thought he would definitely do a better job, but he had to trust other people. Well, he had to force himself to trust other people.

Loading the dead bodies onto the carts was no job Levi or anyone enjoyed doing. With the death count so high, it took them a good while, and they had to leave people on watch just in case more titans arrived. They also had to leave the bodies that no one would be able to recognise and the limbs that would only cause horror in the Interior. Levi always wanted to do a perfect job, he always wanted to bring every person and part of a person that he could, the people at home deserved to mourn their loved ones as best as they could and the absence of anything to mourn made that near impossible. But, in his heart, he knew they could never collect every person, even though he felt that to be an injustice to those who had served the cause and lost their lives.

It was not a sight any should have to see; the blood-soaked grass underneath a burning sun. It was something he had seen a thousand times, but it was never enough preparation, nothing would ever make it okay.

On the way back Levi rode on his horse beside him Erwin, sat in his cart, keeping him in check. Some of the others who were injured were with him, but Levi dared not to leave his side until he was in safe hands. He owed him that at least.

They took Erwin away when they got back, and Levi just watched. He wanted to help, but he would just get in the way. He stayed back as they took him out of sight, and he let them do their work as they saved the man he loved. It wasn’t that bad of an injury in reality, but it still wasn’t a pleasant thing for them to deal with, and it definitely wasn’t a pleasant thing for Levi to deal with.

As he waited for word, he paced around Headquarters, not knowing where to go or what to do with himself. Nothing would distract him enough, nothing would keep his mind at rest. Whilst he knew he would be fine, there were still nerves pummelling through his system, and his hands were shaking and he forgot how to breath.

After about half an hour of not knowing at all what he should do, Levi went to the only place he really ever felt calm; Erwin’s office. It was eerily quiet without Erwin there. He was used to hearing the scratch of a pen or Erwin mumbling to himself. With nothing there, Levi himself felt empty.

He looked through Erwin’s papers idly, wiping dust off the bookshelves with a finger, tutting at how messy Erwin let it get. But he loved him despite that. Levi was sure he could teach Erwin to be cleaner, but if he was messy, Levi didn’t mind. He loved him, flaws and all. His office was messy, but it was Erwin’s, and, because it was Erwin’s, Levi loved it.

It did part of the job to calm him down, but he wouldn’t be totally calm until he knew Erwin was safe. That was the only thing that would make his heart not pound so furiously.

Not knowing quite what to do, Levi sat in his big chair, feeling it engulf him. His desk was, perhaps, the only organised part of the room. The shelves of books were out of order and size, there were piles of papers on the floor, spare shirts on pieces of furniture, but not his desk. Everything was in its straight lines, pens were lined up, and mission formations were all in order. It was all neat and organised, and Levi’s heart ached to look at all of these things that were Erwin’s, and yet Erwin wasn’t here to use them.

Fiddling with things but making sure they weren’t out of place, Levi tried to keep his mind off the reality. It might not have been that bad of an injury, but an injury was an injury, and it was frightening Levi to his core.

He ended up falling asleep in Erwin’s chair because it was the only place he felt truly comforted. It was not an easy sleep, and he woke up constantly. Without knowing Erwin’s fate, sleep was the absolute last thing he was going to get. All he needed was Erwin to be okay, and then _he_ would be okay. Maybe.


	5. Show Me How to Behave

The next morning, Levi left the office and went walking, hoping he might bump into someone who knew something. Thankfully, he did, and they said he could go and see Erwin because he was awake at the moment, which made Levi’s heart flutter and pound.

He walked slowly to Erwin’s room, trying to prepare himself to see him again. Levi took a deep breath before he opened the door, nerves running rampant. Inside, Erwin was lying down, not asleep, with a bandage wrapped around his forehead, stray blonde hairs lying over the bindings. He looked tired, but no less beautiful.

Hanji nodded at Levi when he entered, and Levi moved to the free seat beside the bed, right in Erwin’s line of sight. He didn’t like being watched by those beautiful blue eyes, but there was little to do about that.

“I’ll leave you to it,” Hanji said, yawning.

Levi nodded and Hanji left, leaving him and Erwin alone, which was not something he particularly wanted.

“How are you feeling?” Levi asked after a long pause and avoiding all eye contact.

“Fine,” Erwin said, groggy. “You?”

“I wasn’t the one who got knocked off my horse,” Levi said, throat growing tight.

“No, you weren’t,” Erwin agreed. “But it still wasn’t an easy mission for you. For any of us, I guess.”

“I guess,” Levi repeated. “But I got by pretty easy.”

“Mm,” Erwin hummed, eyes clearly heavy.

“You can sleep,” Levi said, heart aching.

“I don’t want to be rude.”

“It’s not rude to fucking sleep,” Levi said.

“You’ve just come,” Erwin said, forcing his eyes open. “You saved me-.”

“Stop. Just sleep.” Levi did not want nor need his thanks. This was Erwin, and Levi would always come to his aid, no matter what. He did not deserve thanks when it was in his nature to do so.

Erwin sighed, though it seemed a great effort for him. He turned to lie on his back and looked up at the ceiling, and Levi watched, his heart warming towards him as it always did.

Levi placed his hand on the bed and closed his eyes, trying to gain some strength from something that was stable, and the only stability was the bed. He gripped at the sheets, trying not to disturb Erwin but needing to hold onto something that would make him feel like the room wasn’t swaying. Before he knew it, Erwin’s hand had slid over to Levi’s and he gently curled their fingers together. Levi almost went to pull away out of shock, but, after realising it was Erwin, he let their hands connect, knowing it was a mistake, but not caring.

“Will you stay?” Erwin asked, already half-asleep.

“Of course,” Levi said, not able to refuse him.

“Mm,” Erwin hummed, falling asleep.

Levi watched him as he slipped calmly to sleep, his breathing regulating, body serene. He was safe, and so, Levi could relax. Knowing that Erwin was alive and well meant Levi could unwind. Maybe the future was uncertain, maybe Levi wasn’t sure how the two of them were going to behave from now on, but that was the future. They didn’t have to worry about that yet. They could figure that out when Erwin was up and walking again.

Even though Levi still didn’t think they should be together, Levi decided he should go much easier on Erwin. He decided he should be softer on him because he didn’t know when he was going to die, he didn’t know when they were going to be apart. Maybe they couldn’t be together in Levi’s eyes, but that didn’t mean they had to forget each other. They needed each other, and Levi wasn’t about to ignore that, especially after how close Erwin had come to death. It hadn’t even been that close, but it was close enough to frighten Levi.

He stayed with Erwin for hours, watching and making sure he slept peacefully. And he did, his hand still holding Levi’s though it was a little loose after he had fallen asleep. And Levi didn’t mind, he was happy to stay, happy to keep Erwin company however he needed to.

Levi felt himself dozing off, far too tranquil as he watched his calm Erwin sleep. His head dropped and his hand slipped, which woke him up just in time to see Erwin stirring as well. Levi felt guilt more than anything as he moved his hand back to where it was, the moment having passed however.

“Sorry,” Levi apologised, not meaning to have woken Erwin up.

“It’s fine,” Erwin mumbled, and he rolled to his side, facing Levi again. His eyes were drooping still and Levi fell even further in love with him. “What time is it?”

“I don’t know,” Levi answered, his sleepy eyes making Levi’s heart ache.

“How can you not know?”

_I’ve been watching you._ That sounded too creepy, though Levi didn’t mean it like that at all. He meant it with love, but he couldn’t say it.

“The curtains are closed,” was the answer Levi gave.

“You can open them,” Erwin said, eyes half-closed.

“It’s fine.”

There was a pause.

“Can we talk-,” Erwin began.

“No,” Levi cut him off. “Just sleep. You’re delirious.”

“I’m not.” Erwin tried to keep his eyes open. “Please.”

To stop him from talking, Levi started stroking through Erwin’s hair, soothing him. He shushed him lightly, to calm him, Erwin looking at him with nothing but love in his eyes.

“Just sleep,” Levi soothed, his heart aching. “We can talk later, when you’re healed. Just sleep, Erwin. Just sleep.”

Erwin hummed, attempting a protest, but he was too calm. “Stay with me.”

“I will,” Levi assured. “I’ll stay.”

“Mm,” Erwin hummed. “Mm.”

“Sleep,” Levi repeated, one final time, twirling strands around his fingers and soothing Erwin to sleep.

Erwin fell into his slumber calmly with Levi still stroking through his hair, playing with the blonde strands with nothing but love in his heart, in his eyes, in his touch. It was soft in his fingers, and Levi loved it. Levi loved him. Levi loved everything about him.

His hands trailed down to run his fingers along the bare skin on Erwin’s shoulder since he was wearing his vest. He might have been pushing his luck, he might have been making himself believe everything was fine, but was that so wrong? Was it so bad for him to pretend things weren’t impossible for a little while? Everyone deserved to just exist sometimes.

The next few hours went by, but Levi didn’t even notice. How could he care about anything else in the world when Erwin was here and he could touch him? Nothing else really mattered, not with Erwin there.

When Erwin finally began to stir, Levi did not stop touching him, because, well, how could he? He was in love and Erwin was letting him, so he wasn’t going to let him go, not right now.

“Hey,” Erwin said, voice thick from sleep.

“Hi,” Levi replied, his hand still immersed in Erwin’s hair, slowly playing with it, stroking his scalp.

“You stayed,” Erwin noted.

Levi nodded. “Of course I did.”

They paused, and Levi could feel his chest grow tight. “Do you want me to get you some food?”

“I don’t want you to leave, Levi,” Erwin stated, and it was so honest that Levi felt compelled to stay. How could someone be that honest and another person deny them what they wanted when it was so easy to grant them what they wished?

“Okay.” He swallowed. “You don’t need the doctor or anything?”

“No. It’s really not that bad,” Erwin said. “I’m fine, really. I just need rest. And company.”

Levi laughed lightly through his nose. “And company.”

Erwin’s smile was so warm, Levi’s heart warmed as well. “Yes.”

“I’ll stay, then.”

“Have you had anything to eat, though?”

“Don’t worry about me.”

“You know that’s not possible for me to do.”

“I’m asking it of you, now. I just need you to rest.”

“I don’t want you to starve.”

“Erwin.”

Erwin paused. “You’re not so angry today.”

“I’m always angry. Sometimes I just show it less.”

“If I ever upset you with anything I said, I want you to know that it was only because I was confused.”

“About your feelings?” Levi was suddenly panicked.

“Oh, no, of course not. I will always adore you. But because of your reasonings. I might not understand them, but I should respect them. I should have asked you to show me how to behave around you, but I was blinded.”

Levi nodded, not sure what to say. Erwin did still love him, and that was a relief, but what did they do now? Where did they go from here? Levi had no idea.

“We’ll talk some other time, I guess,” Erwin said, eyes closing again.

“Sure,” Levi said, though he found that he dreaded that talk.

The doctor came in a little while later, and Levi thought it might be best to leave. Things were running wild in his head and he just wanted to let everything simmer, and let Erwin be in peace as well. Levi thought that him being there when Erwin needed to rest probably wasn’t going to give him any peace either, so leaving was for the best.

They saw each other a little over the next few weeks, but they were never alone. Levi both wanted to talk to Erwin and not at the same time. Levi didn’t know what it would result in, but if he knew, he could go on living.

Then there was a meeting in Erwin’s office to talk about what was next now that Erwin was healed and well and, the entire time, Levi’s heart was in his mouth and he was thinking about Erwin and what might follow. Any thought of confrontation made Levi not want to deal with it. Usually, he was fine, but with Erwin, he was worried.

When it was over and everyone had their assignment, they all went to leave but Erwin asked if Levi could stay and it was making Levi’s stomach flip. Everyone took forever to leave, and the waiting was the worst part.

“I need you to do some other training with some of the newer recruits,” Erwin said, which was not what Levi expected and it was both relieving and disappointing. “Things have gotten slack, and we need to pick it up.”

“Okay,” Levi said. “Is that everything?”

Erwin looked at him and laughed through his nose. Levi merely swallowed.

“Is that ever everything, Levi?” Erwin asked, smiling slightly.

“No, but there are things to be done. I should get going,” Levi said, softly, breathing slowly.

Erwin stood and came towards him, Levi not knowing what he should do, his body wanting him so madly, it was making his heart sing.

“I don’t think we’ve ever finished one of these conversations before,” Erwin noted, stopping in front of Levi as Levi just watched him.

“I think that’s probably for the best.”

“Okay,” Erwin said, and, for the first time ever, Levi wasn’t sure what Erwin was thinking. He was perfect at reading people, and he had always been able to read Erwin, but not now, and that was frightening. “If that’s how you feel-.”

“Have you given up on me?” Levi asked, suddenly realising that, if Erwin wasn’t interested in him anymore, then what did he have to go with? Was the chase the best part? Levi didn’t really think that, but for a second, he worried that he had actually pushed Erwin away. And he didn’t really want that at all. Maybe he had thought that was what was best, but he realised that, in actually having Erwin be so far away from him, he had nothing. And what was life when you had nothing?

Erwin grabbed his arm suddenly, and Levi burnt at him. Then Erwin went to say something but his eyes darted away and Levi just waited, heart in his mouth.

“Do you hear that?” Erwin asked, his brow furrowed as he listened.

Levi could hear nothing but his own and Erwin’s breathing, and it was driving him insane. He tried to listen for something else, but Erwin’s breathing was the only thing he coveted to hear.

“No,” Levi answered, throat thick.

“You don’t?” Erwin’s brow went further.

Levi shook his head, slowly, staring at Erwin’s eyes and then his lips and then his eyes again before he went back to his lips. He could feel his breath on his skin, and it was making him shiver. Up close, he was as beautiful as he was anywhere else, and Levi’s heart ached to be so near him.

And they were both leaning in. Levi was sure he was meant to be listening out for something, but he had long forgotten what they were meant to be doing. Erwin had asked him about something, but with Erwin this close, it was impossible to think about what he had said. Was it important? Levi didn’t know, Levi couldn’t remember anything with Erwin’s lips so close to his own.

He was meant to be keeping his distance. Maybe he had decided to be softer on Erwin because him coming so close to death meant he had to cherish him, but that didn’t mean he could be _this_ soft on him. It didn’t mean he was meant to let this happen.

But trying to stop it now really wasn’t working, and trying to make it work wasn’t even plausible.

“Is this some ploy?” Levi asked, though he was still leaning in.

Their lips were brushing together, and Levi’s breath caught in his throat as he could feel how wet they were, and his warm breath was rippling over Levi’s lips.

“No,” Erwin answered, and Levi believed him.

They were mere millimetres apart, perhaps even less. Levi had let his eyes flutter shut, which he knew meant he was waiting for Erwin to close the distance, but he no longer cared. They had waited so long; would this be such a problem? Would it really matter if they were together? Who would really care? Levi was in love with Erwin, and Erwin was in love with Levi. What was stopping them? If it was the guilt Levi harboured in his entire system, they could get over that. Levi adored Erwin, so why was he stopping when he could have him?

Erwin closed the last little distance between them slowly, leisurely, always giving Levi time to pull back, though Levi wouldn’t, not now. Their lips pressed together gently, as soft as the morning light, and Levi breathed Erwin in, revelling in him. He was far too much to resist. Levi wasn’t sure how he had managed it all this time.

The grip on his arm tightened, but not painfully. Erwin merely secured him in his arms, owning him, keeping him as his own. Levi was happy to be Erwin’s, for he had always been Erwin’s, now he was just letting Erwin have him, as much as he wanted, as much as he could get.

But then Levi heard it; whatever the fuck it was that Erwin had asked him to listen to, it was like this little scratching and squeaking, and Levi broke apart from Erwin to listen fully.

“What?” Erwin asked, swallowing.

“It’s fucking rats, Erwin,” Levi stated. “You’ve got fucking rats.”

Erwin seemed to both inflate out of relief and deflate out of disappointment at the same time.

“What do we do about rats?” Erwin asked.

“I know what to do,” Levi said, going to leave, though Erwin’s hand was still around his arm and he didn’t let him go.

“You’re leaving?” Erwin asked.

“The rats are a big fucking problem, Commander,” Levi said, though it was with some affection. “We can’t have rats. That’s disgusting.”

Erwin nodded, solemnly.

“I’ll be back in a minute.”

When Levi came back, however, Erwin wasn’t even in the office. He had been called to an emergency meeting in the Capital with Pixis and some of the others, and Levi was kind of glad; he needed time to think.

Getting rid of rats was not fun. Poison was not something Levi particularly liked to deal with, but they couldn’t have rats. That was actually fucking horrible. Maybe Erwin had been knocked out, but rats? That was not acceptable.

Whilst he was getting rid of the vermin, he thought about Erwin, though the two were as far apart from each other as two things could be. They had kissed, again. And it had been wonderful and it had made Levi feel complete. Nothing else really made him feel like that, and so he should welcome the feeling. But things were far too confusing, and Levi didn’t really know what to think.

Before he could really make a decision, they all returned a few days later, Levi having dealt with the rat problem sufficiently. He paced HQ waiting for them, thinking he had to actually deal with this thing between them, just not knowing how.

And then he saw Erwin, and Levi froze. He had bruises and cuts all over his face and he was holding himself in pain, shoulders hunched, one of his eyes also having swelled. Levi watched Erwin and only Erwin, and he could tell Erwin was avoiding looking at him.

Levi followed them to his office, stalking behind them. They went into his office and Levi went in as well, barging in even if they didn’t want him there. They talked about shit Levi didn’t care about and Levi wondered why the fuck no one was mentioning what the fuck had happened to Erwin. Nothing that had happened with Pixis should have resulted in Erwin looking like that, so what the fuck happened?

Levi did not speak, and he waited until they were all gone, waiting even though Erwin said everyone could leave. Erwin did not seem all that happy that Levi was remaining, but like fuck was he going to leave now.

“What happened to you?” Levi asked when Erwin was alone at last.

“It was nothing,” Erwin lied.

“What happened to you?” Levi repeated.

“It was nothing.”

“You and Pixis get into a fist fight?” Levi joked.

Erwin laughed through his nose and then winced. Levi’s heart ached.

“I thought it was just a meeting,” Levi said.

“Yes, the meeting was fine.”

“What the fuck happened to your face, Erwin?” Levi asked, voice rising.

“It was just a fight.”

Levi stayed silent to force Erwin to go on.

Erwin sighed. “They were some men in one of the taverns that knew about you. That’s all.”

Levi continued in silence, though he was more intrigued now.

“I did not appreciate the things they were saying as they diminished you not only as a soldier, but as a person. And I will not allow anyone to think of you like that.”

“You fought them?” Levi asked, more out of shock and being touched by Erwin’s adoration for him than because he thought Erwin wouldn’t get into a fist fight.

“Yes,” Erwin said. “I won’t allow it.”

“Right,” Levi said, not sure what else to say.

Erwin nodded.

“I’ll, um, I’ll get some cloth for… for you,” Levi said, fumbling. No one fought for him, or, what was more correct, was that no one had fought for him since Isabel and Farlan were around, though they fought for a very different reason.

“What for?”

“To…” Levi cleared his throat and took a deep breath. “To clean your face.”

“The blood’s gone?”

“Just let me fucking help you,” Levi said, releasing an enormous breath. “Let me get a cloth.”

Erwin nodded, and Levi left the room to get a cloth, his heart in his mouth, his veins pumping adrenaline. No one touched Erwin, but Erwin had allowed himself to get beaten because it was for Levi, and Levi didn’t really know how to comprehend that.

He wet the cloth he had found in the infirmary and he took some deep breaths. He was going to take care of Erwin because that was what Erwin deserved. Everything he had to offer, he would give it to Erwin now.

When he got back to the office, Erwin was looking through papers and Levi scoffed as he closed the door behind him. Erwin looked up at him and winced as he tried to smile.

“Sit down,” Levi commanded, gesturing to the sofa in the room.

Erwin went to complain but Levi did not let him.

“You’re not doing fucking work now. Sit down.”

Erwin nodded. “Yes, sir.”

Levi scoffed again as Erwin went to sit. There was some awkward manoeuvring as Levi pulled up a seat in front of the sofa, sitting between Erwin’s legs and trying to ignore that. It was distracting, and Levi tried to focus purely on Erwin and trying to help him, not to the proximity to his body.

He started dabbing his face, all in love with him, heart soaring because Erwin had fought for him. He didn’t really know how to comprehend that. Erwin was perfect, and Levi truly did not believe that he deserved him.

Erwin closed his eyes and leaned his head back to let Levi work, and he did, dabbing over his cuts and the swollen parts of his face. His heart ached, and all he wanted to do was make him better, make him healed and perfect. That was what he deserved, and the only way Levi knew how to make him get what he wanted was to kiss him. So he did.

Levi leaned forward and kissed him, as soft as he knew how.

He could feel Erwin jump, his breath hitching as he realised what was happening. Then, after a second or so, he kissed Levi back, letting one hand come to rest on Levi’s hip, both of Levi’s hands resting as gently on Erwin’s chest as possible. He did everything within his power to not hurt Erwin any more than he already was. He had fought for him, and Levi wanted to give him everything he had to repay him for being the best man he knew.

Then Levi moved his lips just a little bit, and Erwin winced. He tried to carry on kissing Levi, but Levi pulled back. His lips were split, and it would not be comfortable for him to be kissing, and Levi would not hurt Erwin. Not ever.

“Wait,” Levi said, looking closely at Erwin’s face.

“Please, don’t make me wait now. I’m begging you,” Erwin said, seeming to deflate.

“Your face,” Levi said, gently tracing across Erwin’s face with nothing but love. “They hurt you, and so I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You couldn’t ever hurt me,” Erwin said, bringing a hand up and brushing stray hairs across Levi’s forehead.

“But they hurt you,” Levi reiterated. “I don’t want to add to the damage.”

“So, what are we meant to do?” Erwin asked, pain but also love in his eyes.

“I’m going to look after you,” Levi said, taking a deep breath. He smiled as best as he could, and Erwin leaned forward and pressed his lips to Levi’s forehead, warmth spreading from where he breathed gently over his skin. He felt more relaxed after that.

Erwin lay back for him again, and Levi sat between his legs, more comfortable there now, and he continued to dab at Erwin’s face with the cloth. It didn’t really do that much, but it was comforting for the both of them, and Levi was happy to do it. Erwin had closed his eyes again, and soaked up Levi’s attention, and Levi was more than happy to let him have it all.

“Can I take off your shirt?” Levi asked, dabbing at Erwin’s neck just to touch him because there wasn’t much else he could actually do.

Erwin made a content hum. “Of course you can.”

Levi scoffed. “Not like that, asshole.”

Erwin laughed, eyes still closed.

Levi smiled at him before he started unbuttoning his shirt, undoing his bolo tie and taking that off carefully first. It was still on, but the buttons were undone eventually, leaving his chest unveiled. There were a lot of forming bruises, fresh and new, and Levi’s heart ached. If he could find the fuckers who had beat his love like this, then he would kill them, no doubt. No one touched Erwin like this, no one. And Levi would kill anyone who even thought about it.

There were some red marks on Erwin’s skin that Levi pressed the cloth to, not harshly but lying the wet material over them and hoping they would soothe his ailments in some way. Erwin winced, but he didn’t tell Levi to stop, so he continued, going slowly and touching him as tenderly as he knew how. He loved him, and Erwin loved him back, and this was kind of how they showed each other. This intimacy that they would allow no other was how they showed they loved each other, and Levi adored that.

They stayed there for a long time, Levi just dabbing at Erwin’s body, loving him and taking care of him. He would stay there forever if he could, though that was an impossible dream.

Levi leaned forward and kissed Erwin’s forehead once he was done, laying the cloth to the side, Erwin breathing in contently.

“Heal,” Levi told him. “I will love you once you are better.”

“You don’t love me now?” Erwin asked, opening his eyes and looking at Levi, into his soul.

“I have always loved you,” Levi said.

“But may I have you now?”

Levi nodded.

Erwin smiled so genuinely and so warmly that Levi melted and he came to realise that he had no idea how he had managed to resist him for so long. How on earth had he possibly been able to resist this beautiful and loving and warm man who he had cherished for so long? How was resisting him even a thing he had been able to do? How was that possible?

“Will you stay with me tonight?” Erwin asked, and the fact that Levi’s eyes widened made him laugh. “I just want to lie with you. I want to hold you, that’s all.”

“Okay,” Levi said, though he was nervous.

Erwin brushed stray hairs across Levi’s forehead. “You don’t have to.”

“It’s fine,” Levi said. “I just don’t want to hurt you. You’ve got a lot of bruises.”

“I know,” Erwin said, twirling a strand of Levi’s hair around his finger. “But the pain is worth it for you.”

“You’re an idiot,” Levi said, fondly.

“I know. But I think you love me anyway.” A light smile was set on his lips as he brought his hand down to cup Levi’s cheek.

“You better not fucking use that against me now,” Levi said, pressing his face into Erwin’s palm.

“I might,” Erwin said.

Levi snorted and then stood up, Erwin disappointed at the loss of him between his legs. Then he offered his hand for Erwin to stand, and he did, his hand comfortable in Erwin’s. Levi led them through to Erwin’s bedroom beside the office, and he shut the door behind them.

They undressed and got into bed, both of them sleeping in their underwear. The bruises on the rest of his body weren’t so great, but Erwin had managed to fight off a bunch of them, so he had come away fairly unscathed in comparison to what could have happened. He probably shouldn’t have started the fight in the first place, but Levi didn’t care about that, he cared about Erwin being safe, and that he was now.

They slept together, Levi tucked into Erwin’s grasp and his arms, though Levi was tender in touching Erwin. He was covered in bruises, and Levi didn’t want to add to his pain. He wanted to love him, and he was not often tender or gentle, but he would try for Erwin, because Erwin deserved it.


	6. It Finally Dawned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just pure porn. I hope you enjoy it x

Levi awoke first, and he spent the few minutes he had awake before Erwin stroking through his hair and memorising the lines of his face this close up. He was so beautiful, Levi didn’t think anyone or anything could match how stunning this man was. There were creases around his eyes from stress, and the bruises and swelling changed how he looked, but his cheekbones were high and beautiful, and his lips were plump, and his skin was this gorgeous olive colour. Levi couldn’t believe how in love he was.

When Erwin awoke, slowly, Levi dropped his hands to his sides and waited, not sure what to do next. Erwin’s eyes adjusted and he smiled at him, Levi giving a small smile in return.

“Good morning,” Erwin said, stretching and rolling onto his back. Levi watched him, heart swelling.

Levi hummed his response, still watching Erwin as Erwin turned his head to look at him, sleepy eyes making him look warm. Levi leaned over and kissed him on the lips, slow, warm, not too much because morning breath made Levi want to die. He could put up with it a little for Erwin’s sake, but not nearly all that much.

“How’s your face feeling?” Levi asked when they had broken apart.

“Sore,” Erwin answered. “But I’m doing just fine.”

Levi nodded at him, not quite sure what came next, when suddenly, Erwin had rolled over again and was kissing him, his weight on top of Levi, though it was comfortable. Shocked for a moment, Levi then eased into it, ignoring the morning breath issue and moaning into Erwin’s mouth. Levi ran his hands up Erwin until they were in his hair again, in love with his blonde locks and the way they felt through his fingers.

Erwin may still be hurting, but he had initiated it, and Levi wasn’t about to stop it. Not after they had waited so long for this.

Erwin kissed him like he had been starving of being touched for decades, and his hands roamed over Levi wherever he could touch him, happy to oblige for Erwin’s strong and calloused hands. They were like fire licking at each other, desperate, hungry. Levi couldn’t help but moan into him, in love.

But, as if the world was mocking him, there was a knock on the door to Erwin’s room, and they ignored it for a second as if it hadn’t happened. But Erwin was still the Commander, and they broke apart, Erwin sighing and standing as Levi just waited, watching. Erwin pulled on some trousers and his vest before he opened the door, and Levi sighed before throwing himself back into bed, wishing the world liked him a little more.

Levi didn’t bother listening to the conversation, but then Erwin came back and said he had to go, and Levi nodded. He understood, he just wished it hadn’t happened. They had all the time in the world, things could happen later.

It seemed, however, that the world had a vendetta, for every time they tried to do anything to consummate their new relationship that they had denied themselves for months on end, they were interrupted. When Erwin had Levi on the desk and was starting to unbutton Levi’s shirt, Hanji knocked furiously on the door, saying they had finally figured some shit out. When Levi had dragged Erwin across the room until Erwin was pinning him against the wall, Mike had knocked saying there was an emergency telegram from the Capital. When Levi had pulled Erwin into his own room, Nanaba knocked asking if he knew where Erwin was. It was like these people were personally trying to stop them.

Currently, Erwin had him pressed against one of the bookshelves in his office, Levi’s legs around Erwin’s hips as Erwin kept him up. Their mouths were over the other’s, lips wet, hands desperate. The shelves were digging into Levi’s back, but he didn’t care. If it was Erwin pressing him into the shelves, then how was there any way for Levi to give a shit?

But, as if on cue, someone knocked on the door. Their mouths broke apart and Levi sighed, resting his head on Erwin’s shoulder. Erwin kissed into his hair before he let Levi slide down until he was standing again. Levi wasn’t sure if they were ever going to get around to fucking, which wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but when he had wanted it for so long, waiting was making things very difficult.

“Can you give up being Commander for like, one day, please?” Levi asked.

“I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t considered it,” Erwin said with another sigh.

Erwin went to the door and opened it, Levi not able to see who they were or hear what they were saying.

“Yes?” Erwin asked when he opened the door and Levi pushed the books back into position since he had moved them around when he and Erwin had been making out. “Okay… Well, I am actually busy… Yes, I have to write a letter to the King… It’s very important, so I may need a few minutes… Perhaps, I should just come and find you once I’m done… Yes, that’s fine.”

Levi just watched on, surprised at how easily Erwin was lying just so he could get what he wanted. For other things, Levi could understand him lying, but just so he could fuck Levi? That was certainly a new one, and Levi wasn’t complaining whatsoever.

When Erwin shut the door and turned back to look at Levi, Levi raised an eyebrow at him, a small smirk playing at his lips. Erwin grinned.

“A letter to the King, huh?” Levi asked. “That sounds important.”

“Very important,” Erwin said, walking towards Levi. “It might take me a long while.”

“Hopefully a very long fucking while.”

Levi grinned as Erwin swept him up in his arms and crashed their mouths together again. Now they really had all the time in the world, and Levi wanted them to go slow. If they rushed it, they would ruin it, and Levi would not want to ruin it when it could be so perfect.

They tumbled together towards the bedroom, desperate to see each other bare but ready to be calm. They would take their time, but that didn’t mean they were any less hungry for each other. They had waited so long, they had been hungry for each other for months, and they would not rush it, but that did not mean they had all that much patience when they had the time to finally be with each other. Fucking wasn’t the be all and end all, they both knew that, but they wanted this and they _had_ wanted this for so long, they were eager and their hands were craving.

Straps were a big thing that got in the way because there was so damn many of them, but it made their anticipation stronger. The waiting they had to do when they were interrupted was frustrating, but this sort of waiting was good, this sort of waiting made adrenaline run fast and their cocks swell.

Erwin had let Levi fall towards the bed, undoing his own straps as Levi watched, too entranced by Erwin’s gorgeous body being ever so slowly unveiled to him. They had stripped of their jackets before they made their way to the bed, and the cleaner in Levi made him pick them both up and place them carefully where they deserved to be, making Erwin growl in anticipation. It made Levi’s heart pound.

Levi just stared, Erwin going slowly and watching Levi as his pupils dilated, lips parted, breathing heavy. Impatient noises left Levi’s throat, ones he had not heard himself ever make before, and he couldn’t believe the kind of control this one man had over him. Levi bit his lip as Erwin stripped of his straps and kicked off his boots, desperate to see him bare, desperate for his body on his.

“You still seem to have straps on,” Erwin noted, looking Levi up and down, and making Levi shiver.

Levi nodded.

“Take them off,” Erwin said. “Let me watch you.”

Levi whimpered, and the thought of Erwin watching him as he stripped made him very hot under the collar. He wasn’t used to being the subject of these sessions. Fucking was something usually very quick for him, or it had been. There hadn’t been much loving in his life before, and making love was not his forte. Fucking was, not this.

But Erwin seemed like he was the kind of guy that made love, and Levi was happy to learn. And if putting on a show like this was what he wanted, then he would give it to him. He wasn’t quite sure how it would feel to be so revealed and so vulnerable, but Erwin’s eyes were lustful, so Levi was sure he would manage somehow.

He offered his hands up to Erwin, who took them slowly, and Levi pulled him onto the bed, their mouths meeting for a moment before Levi rolled on top, Erwin’s hands running down to grip his ass. It made Levi buck into Erwin’s hips and moan into his mouth. But he could not remain there; he had to strip for Erwin, and he wasn’t going to miss out on that opportunity.

Levi sat up, his legs either side of Erwin’s hips, and he grinded there for a moment, in love with the noises Erwin was making. But then Levi left Erwin’s lap, and he seemed sad for a moment before he realised what Levi was going to do, and he perked up.

Levi didn’t feel like he knew how to make himself look desirable, and the fact that he needed everything to be one hundred percent perfect meant strip-teasing wasn’t something he had done much of before. But Erwin seemed to enjoy it. He took off his straps, one by one, going slowly, watching Erwin with every move he made, not letting his eyes drop from him, though Erwin’s eyes trailed everywhere across Levi’s body as he unveiled himself.

Straps were annoying as hell, but Levi realised they served some purpose in making the tension between them rise to such levels that their bodies were filled only with want. Levi could see Erwin’s visible pleasure pressing against the fabric of his trousers, and Levi wouldn’t lie about how impressed he was about the length of the cock he could see. He wasn’t sure he would fit, but he was excited about it.

When taking off the straps around his thighs, Erwin licked his lips and watched his hands very carefully, making Levi’s stomach do wild things. He could tell Erwin wanted to reach out and take off his clothes, but he had asked to watch, and Levi would torture him by making him do just that.

Kicking off his boots slowly, Levi undid his cravat and placed everything away neatly. He then stood before Erwin, who was still in his shirt and trousers, waiting for Erwin to grow impatient. That happened almost instantly.

“Are you going to finish?” Erwin asked, eyes dark in lust.

“You’re still dressed,” Levi noted, dragging it out though his body was coveting Erwin’s.

Erwin practically growled, and it sent a shiver through Levi’s body that was full of longing. “Come here,” Erwin demanded, though Levi remained where he was, trying not to show how desperate he was for him.

“Where do you want me?” Levi asked, playful.

“I just want you.”

“Then take me,” Levi said, grinning something wolfish. Erwin growled again, so Levi crawled up onto the bed, slow as Erwin watched, pupils huge.

When he was set above Erwin again, Levi leaned down slowly and let their lips meet, soft in comparison to how fierce their desire was. Levi moaned, long and slow into Erwin’s lips as Erwin’s hands travelled to Levi’s shirt and started on the buttons. Levi let him, yearning for him.

Levi licked across Erwin’s lips and started grinding down again, Erwin making noises from the back of his throat that sent blood straight down to Levi’s swelling cock. Every time Erwin’s fingers brushed against his skin that was revealed by his shirt being undone, the skin that was not covered by his vest, Levi felt sparks and he kissed Erwin deeper, their mouths wet against the other’s. Levi loved kissing, and Erwin was a perfect kisser.

Erwin undid every single one of Levi’s buttons and then pushed it off his shoulders, brushing his calloused fingers down Levi’s arms to make Levi shiver in desire. He tried to throw Levi’s shirt away, but Levi sat up, their cocks rubbing through the fabric, and he picked up his shirt and folded it neatly, placing it on the bedside table. Erwin moaned in frustration but Levi wasn’t going to let there be creases just because he wanted to be filled by Erwin’s cock. That was a ridiculous thought.

But, to please Erwin for being so patient, Levi pulled off his vest and let Erwin see his body. Erwin seemed pleased enough as his lips parted and he let his strong hands trace up Levi’s pale, thin form. He passed over his skin gently, though there was a passion to his touch, an adoration that ran deep. He brushed over Levi’s beaded nipples with his thumbs and Levi shivered, his head falling back as he moaned.

Pleased with himself, Erwin let his hands trail back down again and gripped firm at Levi’s now bare hips, hard enough for there to be little bruises forming, bruises that Levi would love. He rotated his hips into Erwin once more, cocks rubbing and them both moaning at the pressure it caused on their swollen lengths.

The friction against his cock from the fabric of his trousers was fucking fantastic, and the feel of Erwin’s huge cock was sensation enough for Levi. He moaned again as Erwin dug his fingers in deeper, pressing the tips underneath the waistband of his trousers. Levi pressed his palms onto Erwin’s chest and rotated his hips further, closing his eyes to soak up the sensations.

One of Erwin’s hands left his hips to pop open the buttons on Levi’s trousers. Some shuffling occurred as they rid Levi of them, Levi finding himself on his back with Erwin on top of him all of a sudden. Levi didn’t mind; with Erwin above him, arms encompassing him, he felt safe and protected and completely loved.

Erwin sat up then and made quick work of his shirt, vest, and trousers until he was back leaning over Levi, just in his underwear, Levi able to see his body fully now. He had seen him without his shirt so many times before, but now that he could run his hands over his taut skin, and haired chest and stomach, Levi fell in love with it up close. There were indents from the straps and little scars here and there that Levi hadn’t noticed before, and he traced them as Erwin kept himself up, letting Levi touch him and learn him.

When Levi was done tracing across his skin, he let his fingers travel up to his collarbone and to Erwin’s face, cupping it with his palms. Erwin smiled at him slowly and Levi felt himself warm from his heart all the way down to his fingertips and toes. Erwin made him feel so safe and so loved, he almost couldn’t believe how one man made him feel so complete.

“I love you,” Levi said, quiet, unsure.

“I love you, too,” Erwin replied, and he leaned down to press their lips together.

They slowly started to grind against each other again, Erwin doing most of the work as Levi wrapped his arms around Erwin’s neck. Erwin moaned into Levi’s lips and it vibrated through his body, making everything spark. All he wanted was Erwin, forever and always, nothing else.

Erwin clearly wanted him on top as he rolled them around again, dangerously close to the edge of the bed though neither cared all that much. Levi kept himself leaning over Erwin, arms tangled around him as they kept their chests pressed together. Erwin ran his hands down Levi’s side until he slipped his fingers past the waistband of his underwear and started pushing off the fabric to grip at his ass. Levi bucked into him as his fingertips pressed into his flesh, gripping at his pert behind.

Levi nipped at Erwin’s lip lightly, eliciting a moan from him that sent a shiver down his spine. He bucked into Erwin again and Erwin pushed Levi’s underwear off completely, Levi sitting up and placing them neatly to the side. His cock had leaked over his stomach, its curve letting it drip over his skin.

Erwin used his thumb to wipe it away from his slit and Levi rolled his hips into his touch, his hands a welcome presence to his body. Trailing his thumb down Levi’s cock, Erwin then stroked up and down Levi’s length in slow, tepid motions, Levi bucking into his touch, completely under his control. Erwin watched him with dark eyes, testing what he liked, learning his feel.

Erwin played with Levi’s cock for a long while, touching him, massaging Levi’s hip with his free hand. Levi had closed his eyes and rested his hands on Erwin’s thighs, curving his back and letting Erwin touch him on his front wherever he wanted.

Roaming his hand up, Erwin rubbed his thumb over Levi’s nipple again, the bead making Levi whine. He had never been on show like this before; usually it was night-time, usually there was very little light, usually he was in a position that didn’t involve all that much watching of each other. But Erwin had him on show, and he realised that, with Erwin, he was totally fine with it.

Levi moaned Erwin’s name when he started playing with his slit gently, and Erwin brought his spare hand up to Levi’s neck, coaxing him down so that they could kiss, Erwin’s hand still playing with Levi’s cock. Levi couldn’t stop the moans leaving his lips as Erwin kissed him with his tongue, their mouths wet and hungry.

Desperate for him, Levi sat up and pulled Erwin’s underwear off his body, unveiling the monster cock Erwin kept. Levi’s jaw pretty much dropped, not sure if Erwin would fit. His cock had leaked like Levi’s, dripping down his thick length, making Levi squirm in eager anticipation. Levi trailed a finger up his cock with his finger, sweeping up the leaking precum and licking his finger, swallowing it down, Erwin moaning contently.

With the taste of salt still on his tongue, Levi looked back up to Erwin and quirked a brow. “How exactly is this going to work?”

“A _lot_ of stretching,” Erwin said.

“A fuck tonne of stretching,” Levi agreed, sitting himself comfortably on Erwin’s thighs and contemplating how far Erwin could reach in his current position.

Not having been fucked in a very long time indeed, Levi knew that he would have to be stretched an awful lot to accommodate Erwin’s size and length. But it would be so worth it, Levi knew that for sure.

Erwin grabbed the oil, that was damn near full, from his bedside table and started spreading it over his hands, Levi stroking himself as he watched. He asked Levi to turn around, and Levi obliged, though this was much more intimate than any of the sexual situations he had been in before. Erwin made him comfortable, so Levi was all for it.

Using one hand to spread Levi as best as he could, Erwin then pressed the tip of his finger into Levi’s opening. Levi bucked his hips, causing Erwin to ask if he was okay to go on, which received furious nods from Levi, rocking his hips into the air. Erwin eased his finger in, Levi tight around him.

Erwin went slowly, easing Levi open with his fingers, stretching the tight ring of muscle so that he would fit inside him. His thick fingers were long and deep inside his opening, and Levi fucked into the air slowly, touching his cock to keep himself stimulated, to satisfy the tight feeling at the base of his cock.

When sufficiently stretched, Erwin removed his fingers, which felt like a great loss to Levi’s body. But then he remembered what was coming, and he didn’t feel the loss so terribly. He turned himself around and watched as Erwin opened the oil again.

Deciding he wanted to touch Erwin, he took the oil from him and poured it over his hands before stroking his hands down Erwin’s huge cock. The thick length felt wonderful, particularly when Erwin started thrusting lightly into his grip. Erwin had closed his eyes, serene with Levi’s light touch and gentle playing with his head as he oiled him up to fit easily into Levi’s opening.

He took a long time oiling Erwin’s length up, wanting to make it last, knowing he wouldn’t last long once Erwin was inside him. Erwin seemed to be enjoying it, and Levi enjoyed the idea that he was pleasuring Erwin. It made Levi content to know Erwin was feeling satiated by his hands and fingers.

But then his cock started throbbing with his want and he let his hands go from Erwin’s cock, which made him open his eyes. Seeing Levi move so as to place Erwin’s cock inside him, he perked up and helped press the head of his cock inside him.

“Fuck,” Levi moaned, long and slow as Erwin filled Levi up with leisurely thrusts, opening him since he was still tight compared to the size of Erwin’s length.

Erwin gripped Levi’s hips, Levi’s hands on Erwin’s chest as he worked his thighs, fucking himself on Erwin’s cock. Erwin helped with his thrusts, but it was really Levi that was doing the most work, rocking up and down, Erwin filling him up further with every thrust. Levi closed his eyes, his thighs beginning to burn already from the hard work.

He throbbed around Erwin’s length, moaning and whimpering as Erwin filled him till his base, deep and long. He threw his head back and fucked harder, desperate to be fucked by his huge cock. His cunt was yearning for him, hungry for Erwin’s thick cock.

His own cock was sparking, sensations running through his veins as he moved up and down on Erwin, Erwin’s fingers harsh on his skin, making Levi feel like he was being fucked rough, which he loved. He couldn’t help but chant Erwin’s name as they rutted desperately against each other, Erwin filling him to the brim, Levi’s hungry cunt taking him in, being stretched by his gigantic cock. His hands on Erwin’s chest gripped at his skin, wanting him more and more and more.

Erwin filled him completely, fucking into him until his cock was completely inside him. Sweat ran down Levi’s body, his stomach tight from wanting to come already. The strangled noises in Erwin’s throat told him how good he felt around Erwin’s cock, relishing in how much Erwin was pleasured by him, lapping up the noises he was pulling from Erwin’s throat.

Levi keened, his cunt contracting around Erwin’s thick cock, Levi’s cock slapping against his stomach as he tried to fuck faster, thighs burning though he was enjoying it. Precum leaked from his slit, and Erwin let one of his hands travel to his cock to stroke him. It made Levi moan again, bowing his head this time and biting his lip as his stomach tightened further, Erwin filling him as much as he could with each thrust.

His hips started to ache, but like he could give a fuck. Erwin was deep inside him, stretching his hungry hole that wanted Erwin and only Erwin. He could feel Erwin’s cock as he moved up and down inside him, sweat on both of their bodies. Everything burnt, but it was the perfect kind of burn that Levi craved.

His stomach tightened further and he knew he was going to come. He hadn’t been fucked or fucked anyone in a long time, and Erwin’s giant cock and his rough hands were far too much for him to handle. He mewled, Erwin filling him deep and long, throbbing inside him. He gripped into Erwin’s chest, digging his fingertips into his taught pecks, bruising the man he loved, owning him as he was fucked by him.

The rutting was faster and desperate, no longer slow and careful, now hungry and craving their orgasm. Levi’s thighs were burning as he fucked himself on Erwin’s length, cock pulsing.

He came in long spurts, hot semen pooling on Erwin’s stomach. Erwin pumped his cock, coaxing out all of his white come as Levi keened, loud and clear for the world to hear. Erwin’s hand was covered in Levi’s come, still pumping his cock as he watched him, Levi’s eyes now open to watch Erwin and his dark eyes.

He continued to fuck down onto Erwin’s cock, tightening his hole for Erwin, to encourage his own semen out. He wanted to be full of his seed, full of Erwin in any way possible. Erwin moaned, Levi relishing in being able to pull those noises from him.

When Erwin came, he filled Levi to the brim, it leaking out of his hole as Erwin pulled out, still coming as it had been so long since he had had sex. His come was hot as it dripped down Levi’s thighs, the white seed still leaking from the slit of Erwin’s cock, completely pleasured by Levi and his glorious hole.

Levi moved down to lick up Erwin’s cock and the come that was on Erwin’s stomach. Usually, he wouldn’t, that wasn’t really something he particularly loved, but he wanted Erwin’s taste whenever he could get it. Salt was prominent on his tongue as he crawled back up to Erwin’s mouth and kissed him, deep, in love. Erwin’s hands almost went to Levi’s hair, but Levi slapped them away when they broke apart.

“You have come on your hands,” Levi said, furrowing his brow and looking at Erwin like he was mad.

“You didn’t seem bothered by that a minute ago,” Erwin said, smirking.

Levi scoffed, and went to stand but Erwin grabbed his wrist and kissed him again. Levi tried not to smile into Erwin’s lips, but it was hard. He was so in love, and not smiling into the man he adored was the most impossible thing in the world.

He still wouldn’t let Erwin put his hands in his hair, however.

They washed quickly, Erwin trying to kiss him and make it longer, but Levi associating showers with cleaning too much for him to make it romantic. He knew a lot of people did, but Levi took two-minute-long showers, and that wouldn’t change just because he was in love. Erwin was enticing, but not enticing enough. No one was enticing enough.

When they were done, they helped each other dress, doing up each other’s buttons and straps with loving hands. Levi put on Erwin’s bolo tie, Erwin sitting on the bed with Levi standing between his legs. When Levi had lovingly put on his tie, Erwin wrapped his arms around Levi’s hips and hugged him, pressing his face to Levi’s stomach and breathing him in. Levi played with his hair, sorting out the mess and combing it through his fingers so other people wouldn’t think he had been up to anything.

“So, that letter to the King?” Levi asked, making Erwin laugh which vibrated through Levi’s body.

“I’ll figure something out,” Erwin said, pulling back but not letting his arms leave Levi’s hips, keeping them together as Erwin looked up at him, not all that much difference in their height despite Erwin sitting down.

“You probably should. Rumours aren’t anything we want,” Levi joked.

“Oh, of course not. Rumours would be the worst.” Erwin paused. “Even though the rumours would be true.”

“It depends what the rumours were,” Levi said, stroking a stray hair on Erwin’s forehead until it sat in its place.

“That you were in love with me and that your life revolved around that love for me,” Erwin said, grinning.

Levi snorted and rolled his eyes. “Those rumours wouldn’t be true.”

Erwin laughed through his nose and looked up lovingly, Levi’s heart melting. “I love you, though,” Erwin said, smiling gently.

“I love you, too,” Levi said, quiet, always unsure.

“Shall we return to the world?” Erwin asked.

Levi sighed. “Must we?”

Levi kind of wanted to stay there forever, in this perfect, warm, serene place with Erwin holding him and Levi preening. But they couldn’t. The real world existed, and it was tragic.

Erwin nodded, slow. He stood up and kissed Levi on the forehead. “But we can return later.”

“Good,” Levi said, following Erwin out of the room, in search for whoever it was that had asked for Erwin’s attention beforehand.

Whoever they were, they were in one of the smaller meeting rooms, talking with other soldiers. Erwin parted from Levi’s side and went to discuss whatever they wanted to discuss as Levi spotted Hanji and Mike and decided they were much better company. Hanji smiled ecstatically as Levi approached, Mike just nodding and inhaling a little too much for Levi’s liking.

“Why would you and Erwin both have showered midday?” Mike asked when Levi had joined them.

“I’ve told you not to fucking smell me, Mike,” Levi said, cheeks growing warm.

Hanji looked from Erwin to Levi before their eyes grew wide. “Did you two have _sex_?” Hanji said the last word far too loudly, and members of the room looked at Hanji, Erwin included who smiled knowingly at Levi, making Levi’s cheeks burn now.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Levi said. “And don’t talk so fucking loud.”

“You did,” Hanji said, eyes wide. Mike was smirking as well. “You know, he’s been in love with you for a long time.”

“Yes, I do know,” Levi affirmed.

“But you two haven’t been together until today?” Hanji seemed confused.

“Long story,” Levi said, not caring to talk about it.

Levi paused and watched Erwin, his heart always warming when he could see him, always looking like he glowed wherever he was.

“You’re in love, huh?” Hanji asked after looking from Levi to Erwin for a long time.

“Something like that,” Levi agreed quietly, looking at Erwin from across the room and chest swelling. It finally dawned on Levi that, if this was what love truly was, then it made sense why people said it made them feel complete.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it x


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